Last year I had sex with a girl who had a reputation for being with a lot of guys in my school and word was she gossiped about it after. While having sex, I was extremely nervous (in my head), unsure if I would please her, or if she would tell people my dick was small, or if I sucked in bed. Then I lost my erection! I was so shocked and scared. Now a few weeks ago I was going to have sex with another girl, but when we got naked in my bed, I lost my erection even though I had one earlier on the date as we were making out. This leads me to believe it’s all psychological yet I don’t know what to do to fix it!
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When I was your age, I had the exact same anxieties. Most men do. You’re right about the issue being psychological. I’m sure you’re mentally healthy, but early sexual experiences are often anxiety-provoking, and anxiety is the #1 cause of erection problems in young men. The first step to becoming the relaxed, confident lover you’d like to be is to REALIZE that you have sexual anxiety. You’ve already done that, so you’re on your way to resolving things.
The next step is to DEAL with your anxieties. Here are several suggestions guaranteed to help:
1. Tell the girl. Many young men think they have to put on a show of being experienced when they’re not. That only aggravates your anxiety. As things heat up, between kisses, say something like, “I really like you and want our time together to be really great, so you should know that I’ve had sex, but not a lot. What about you?” If the girl is a decent person, she’ll APPRECIATE your admission and like you MORE for it. Then you can have a brief conversation about her experience and yours, and BOTH of you can relax.
2. Breathe deeply. As the body becomes erotically aroused, there’s a natural tendency to breathe more slowly and deeply. But many young men stifle this in the mistaken belief that they have to be in control and breathing deeply suggests that they’re not. Big mistake. During sex, your body WANTS to breathe slowly and deeply, and it’s RELAXING. So let yourself breathe slowly and deeply, and if you like, add a little sound to it—love moans. They show your lover that you’re turned on, and arousal is usually contagious, so your deep breathing and little sighs and moans should also help her get turned on.
3. Slow down, then slow down some more. There’s nothing like being 19 and supercharged with testosterone to make a young man want to forget the preliminaries and plunge right into intercourse. In addition, I bet you’ve seen a good deal of pornography, and in porn the sex is fast and furious. But fast, furious sex is a one-way ticket to not only erection loss but also to coming before you want to (premature ejaculation). For great sex with no problems, do everything NO FASTER THAN HALF SPEED. Consciously slow EVERYTHING down, every kiss, every touch, everything. This not only helps you, it also helps the woman. Women become aroused more slowly than men, especially young men. Women’s #1 complaint about how men make love is that it’s too fast. So slowing the pace way down not only help you and your erections, it also shows her that you’re a good lover who’s sensitive to women’s erotic needs.
4. Touch her all over, everywhere from her scalp to her feet. Young men think sex is all about fucking and sucking. Actually, great sex is about whole-body massage that eventually includes the genitals. I just explained that women need lots of warm-up time. Many need 30 minutes or so of kissing, cuddling, and touching all over before they feel receptive to anyone reaching between their legs. Fill that time with gentle massage all over her. Don’t focus just on her breasts. Sure, fondle them, suck them, have fun, but spend just as much time gently touching her ears, neck, shoulders, arm, back, legs—everything! And encourage her to touch you all over, too, not just your dick. When YOU get massaged, guess what happens? You relax! Especially if you breathe deeply at the same time.
5. If your erection wilts in the middle of things, don’t freak out. Shit happens. Just laugh it off, and say, “I guess I’m a little nervous. I want sex to be great with you and I guess I’m anxious. Don’t worry, I’ll get hard again.” Then return to kissing, cuddling, and fondling each other all over, and chances are excellent that you WILL raise another erection.
You might want to read a few of the articles in the Info Library, or example, Erection Myths and the Truth About Erections. But most of them are aimed at older men. For your situation, I’d urge you to buy a copy of my book Great Sex. There’s a link to its Amazon page on the Home Page right by my photo. I wrote Great Sex for guys like you and young men’s sexual issues. I’m confident that the suggestions here and the book will set you on the path to being the great lover you want to be, the kind of lover women tell their friends is GREAT IN BED.