Older lovers sustain erotic heat by evolving from intercourse to “outercourse”
• Older lovers say regular sex at least twice a month increases their happiness.
• But few women are orgasmic from intercourse alone.
• Older women generally prefer sex without intercourse.
• What is that? All the other marvelous ways lovers can enjoy each other.
As part of the ongoing English Longitudinal Study of Aging (ELSA), a team of British and European researchers assessed the sex lives and happiness of almost 7,000 coupled participants—3,834 women, 3,045 men, average age 65. Compared with those who abstained from partner lovemaking, participants who twisted the sheets two or more times a month reported substantially greater happiness (p < 0.001 for men, 0.003 for women).
For ELSA women, the moves that brought the greatest satisfaction included: kissing, cuddling, hugging, whole-body massage, and oral sex—but not intercourse. The men concurred, except that they also considered intercourse important.
The Great Intercourse Divide
The women in the ELSA study, age 50 to 89, did not consider intercourse a major contributor to happiness or sexual satisfaction. That’s hardly a new finding. Many studies agree that, assuming reasonably happy relationships, women of all ages enjoy intercourse, especially holding men inside them. But only a small fraction are consistently orgasmic from vaginal intercourse—depending on the study, just 5 to 20 percent. Women’s main pleasure organ is not the vagina, but the clitoris, which sits outside the opening an inch or two above it beneath the top junction of the vaginal lips.
Meanwhile, around 95 percent of men are orgasmic during intercourse, which explains why the ELSA men enjoyed it. But by age 60, around 90 percent of men have erection difficulties, and even with drugs, may no longer be able to do the bedroom boogie like they used to.
From Intercourse to “Outercourse”
The ELSA study corroborates the two findings of a great deal of previous research. Lovemaking remains important to most people late in life. But vaginal intercourse usually drops out of their erotic repertoire.
This happens for two reasons—men’s increasing erection difficulties, and postmenopausal women’s vaginal dryness and atrophy (tissue thinning) that often makes intercourse uncomfortable or impossible, even with lubricant. Most adults who remain sexual past 60 decide that intercourse just isn’t worth it anymore.
Fortunately, when they jettison intercourse, older lovers—or couples of any age—can still enjoy sex relying on kissing, hugging, cuddling, mutual whole-body massage, hand jobs/fingering, oral sex, toys, and perhaps some anal play and kink. (The most popular kinky activities involve blindfolds and spanking). This is what the women in the ELSA study enjoyed.
Many older adults, especially men, have a hard time transitioning from sex ruled by intercourse to sex without it. But sex coaches and therapists almost universally recommend this shift to older couples. And as the ELSA study shows, with or without intercourse—mostly without—almost all the older adults in the study said that regular lovemaking improved their happiness.
What About Solo Sex?
In addition to partner sex, both the older men and women also masturbated, most regularly. They did not feel badly about it, but self-sexing did not contribute significantly to their happiness.
Why not? Three reasons: Masturbation continues to be stigmatized, and the elders in the study grew up at a time when solo sex was even more taboo than it is today. In addition, even when people feel fine about masturbation, most rate self-sexing a poor substitute for the real thing. And independent of feelings about solo sex, most people place considerable value on partner lovemaking, as reflected in the adage: Bad (partner) sex is better than none.
It’s no surprise that the older adults in the ELSA study rated self-sexing considerably less satisfying than partner play. But it’s sad. More Americans are single today than ever. They might enjoy partner sex when they can play that way. But singlehood usually means less partner sex and more solo play. In addition, around 20 percent of Americans—especially older adults—have aches, pains, and disabilities that make partner sex difficult and sometimes impossible. For them, self-sexing alone or mutual masturbation in each other’s presence is not “second best.” It’s the best way to remain sexual under changed—and challenging—circumstances.
My suggestion for older adults: Figure out what kind(s) of sex you can comfortably manage, solo or partnered, and enjoy it regularly.
My suggestion to older teens, young adults, and midlife folks: If you enjoy intercourse, in the words of Janis Joplin, get it while you can. To extend the years of intercourse, embrace a healthy lifestyle: don’t smoke, don’t drink more than one or two alcoholic drinks a day, get daily moderate exercise, maintain healthy weight, eat at least five daily servings of fruits and vegetables, and get a least seven hours of sleep a night. Also, understand that by age 60 or so, intercourse will probably become problematic, and you’re likely to decide to let go of it.
Ultimately, that’s no big deal. As the ELSA study shows, among late-life adults, even without intercourse, sex remains fun and nurturing, and an important contributor to happiness and well-being.
For more about outercourse and great sex in later adulthood, check out the chapter on elder sex in my book, Sizzling Sex for Life.
