Naked couple in bed

I felt hurt when another young woman told me that women with high sex drives can’t empathize with women who need a lot of foreplay. We were talking about how some people need time to get prepared for intercourse. Her comment hurt, because I always saw myself as having a high sex drive. I think about sex everyday. I never thought of myself as having a “lower sex drive,” just because I need a good 20-30 minutes of foreplay to get “ready.” If I am in the mood for sex mentally, does it make sense to not be wet right away? Lube helps, but I am not someone who can have intercourse within a few minutes. Please tell me that needing foreplay doesn’t mean that I have a low sex drive. I am very sexual.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    YES! You can have a major sex drive and still need 20 to 30 minutes of kissing, hugging, and mutual whole-body massage before feeling ready for genital play. That other young woman you cite did not know what she was talking about.

    Some people can heat up quickly—many young men, some young women, and anyone who fancies quickies. But a mountain of sex research shows very clearly that most of the time most women (and many men) need at least 20 minutes of non-genital warm-up before feeling ready for oral or intercourse. And those who don’t need much warm-up time at 25 usually need considerably more by 40.

    You’re totally normal. The large majority of women are just like you.

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