woman in bed masturbating

When I was young, like pre-k, my favorite toy was attached to me: my vulva. My hand or hands played with it whenever it was easily accessible, bath time, bed time, or nap time. I also grinded against, or humped many things: monkey bars, sofa arm rests, or my favorite: the car sear belt buckle.

It wasn’t until I started school that my mom stopped ignoring this activity and aggresively began to teach me that I really shouldn’t be playing with my favorite toy unless I was totally alone and by myself.

But throughout my childhood I continued to play and explore my vulva whenever I could.

When I was nineteen, I started to view my masturbation as childish and immature. I believed that adults shouldn’t do this and instead should be getting married and having real sex. I promised myself that by my twentieth birthday I would never masturbate again. I remember the week before turning twenty that I started doing it like five times a day because in a few days I was determined to quit. And then I suddenly did quit, although I didn’t fully stop maybe till I was twenty-three.

Now, some twenty years later, I am in my forties, and last month when I was on a walk to the park by the lake I sat down on a bench to read my book.

Across from me is a mom and her 4 year old daughter sitting on the park bench across from me. Then another woman walks by and coincidentally they both know each other but haven’t seen each other in a long time. The mom stands up to greet her friend and they both start looking at pictures on their phones and sharing stories.

Meanwhile, the young four year old now gets bored, and changes her sitting position. She sits more at the front edge of the bench and leans her waist forwards with her back arched backwards. She then spread her legs apart, and started to rub her vulva with her hands. I continued to read my book, but I could no longer concentrate on it. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The girl got really involved in what she was doing. Her hands kept rubbing while her hips and legs and toes grew stiff.

I tried to read more of my book but couldn’t concentrate because my clit was throbbing, and it felt like my vulva was going to burst!

Then after a few minutes the mom called her daughter because they were leaving now. Her daughter quickly stood up, but cupped her vulva with one of her hands while walking towards her. Her mom asked, “do you have to pee?” She said “no.” “Then hands off,” I heard her say as she grabbed her daughter’s hand and walked away with her.

At this point, my clit was throbbing, and I had a strong urge to play with it again. I jogged back to my home as fast as I could. As soon as I locked the housedoor, I immediately threw my clothes off and started giving my vulva some much needed attention.

But after I finished and felt relief, I instantly felt gross and disgusting like I did something wrong.

And to make things worse, one hour later the cravings and urges came back that I did it all over again.

Pretty much since that day last month, I am getting urges to masturbate constantly. I am doing it like 4 times a day now, and I always feel gross after. What’s more, I can’t even seem to be able to fall asleep either without masturbating. I will toss and turn in bed, but until I give myself an orgasm sleep is not going to come to me.

Am I addicted to masturbation? And is noticing a young child innocently pleasuring themselves in public normally cause such a reaction from an adult?

I want to talk to my mom. I want to find out if my masturbation as a child ever caused her to feel this way, but I have no idea how to even bring it up and if I even should.

But now I also feel gross about it and anxious about it. Most of the time as a child and teenager I couldn’t sleep without masturbating, but it didn’t bother me then, but now it does.

I feel a lot of anxiety now about being a grown woman but acting like a little two year old that can’t get her hands off of her vulva.

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    Sounds to me like you’re fine. So you love to self-sex. So what? Tens of millions of people play the same way as frequently as you do, if not more.

    Some masturbation crosses the line from perfectly okay to problematic. Here’s the test: Does your self-sexing interfere significantly with your job, family, friendships, or other life responsibilities? From your question, it doesn’t sound like it. Frequency doesn’t matter. What matters is: Are you in control of yourself? Or out of control? It sounds to me like you have your frequent solo sex under good control.

    It sounds like you use solo sex to relax and wind down to go to sleep. Tens of millions of people, both men and women, do the exact same thing. Self-sexing is Nature’s tranquilizer. Compared to other sedatives—alcohol, sleeping pills—it’s clearly the more benign choice. So in my opinion, you’ve made a good decision, not one that’s problematic.

    Why are you suddenly so interested in self-sexing when you say you weren’t for 20 years? The short answer is: I don’t know. Everyone is sexually unique and this just happens to be who you are. However, there may be a longer answer. You’re now in your mid-40s, the time of life when menopausal hormonal changes begin. As estrogen production wanes, odd things can happen. Many women experience loss of libido. But some feel more sexual, and more self-sexual. Maybe you’re one of the women who feel the need for more solo sex eat this point in life. I hasten to reiterate that you are perfectly normal and mentally healthy. You’re not “addicted” to masturbation. You simply like it. It’s fine to like it. Perfectly fine. You’re normal.

    If you still think something is wrong with you, I suggest you consult a sex therapist for additional reassurance that you’re fine. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists.

    I wish you great sex—partnered or solo, however frequently you feel the need.

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