I am 47, he’s 49. We are in the 7th month of dating which started out with amazing sex as many times as we could sneak away—still is amazing. He works very early hours as a district manager and I know he needs his sleep. He is also many years divorced from an unfaithful wife and in his last year of raising a child full-time. We began dating 2 weeks after my becoming single. I have a 12 yr old who has not learned about our relationship (too soon). The situation is tricky and we are unable to meet often. Meanwhile, my libido is out of control and his doesn’t seem so. This is such a short time for him to become bored with me especially since we see each other only once a week. He still keeps in touch daily and sends cute, lovable, sexy texts. He has introduced me to both his children and has asked to meet mine. I have been very patient and understanding of his lifestyle, but I have to admit there have been times when I have pouted and may have pushed him away for a bit. He doesnt seem as excited to see me, but loves the attention I provide and a good cuddle. It has become harder for me to be around him as I then become frustrated and lay awake at nights yearning for him. I may need to back off and let him come to me, but have to very careful as I feel he may see that I’m not interested anymore. I am too old for games. I am very honest with him and all my feelings are the table—him not very much at all. Just a crazy situation I guess. But I need more sex!!! I am going crazy. Thanks in advance for any tips.

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    I’m sorry you’re going crazy. Desire differences can be maddening. I doubt I can offer a magic fix, but here’s my two cents:

    When people first fall in love, they can’t keep their hands off each other. But after 6 months to 2 years or so, sexual urgency almost always declines and so does frequency of lovemaking. If both people experience the identical loss of urgency, there’s no problem. But typically, one’s libido falls more than the other’s and the couple winds up with a desire difference. This is virtually inevitable in long-term relationships and it’s one of the top reasons couples consult sex therapists.

    You said you’ve been dating for 7 months. That’s telling. As I mentioned, the hot-and-heavy period usually lasts from 6 months to 2 years. So you’re at the front end of the zone when libido often starts to fall, as his has. You have every right to want lots of sex—and I hope you get it. But he also has every right to want sex as much as he wants it, even if that’s much less than you do. Maybe he’s crazy about you, but just not as libidinous as you are. So you have a deep dilemma.

    In addition, most people assume that men are constantly horny and women are not. When a desire difference develops and it’s the man who wants more sex, that’s a drag, but the situation feels normal, expected—men are horn-dogs. But when the woman has the greater libido, as in your case, this is culturally unexpected, and both lovers can feel extra stressed about it.

    As I mentioned, sex therapists see LOTS of couples with desire differences, and over the past several decades, they’ve developed a program that doesn’t make either party’s dreams come true, but usually ameliorates things so the two people can continue together in reasonable comfort. The program involves scheduling sex in advance, which might be particularly helpful for you, given that you both have scheduling constraints.

    I’ve distilled the sex therapy program into a low-cost e-article, “You’re Insatiable!” “You Never Want To!” How Sex Therapists Recommend Overcoming Desire Differences. The e-article comes with a money-back guarantee through PayPal, so it’s risk-free.

    If the e-article provides insights that allow you two to negotiate a mutually acceptable frequency, then all’s well. But if not, then I’d urge you to make the time to consult a sex therapist. Desire differences are best dealt with as quickly as possible. If they’re not, they become two problems—the desire difference and all the resentments that pile up around it.

    If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-200/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, (Which also comes with a money-back guarantee) and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I wish you a workable frequency and great sex.

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