Thanks for the opportunity to ask you my question. I can get it up alone, but with my wife, I have erectile dysfunction. Im a 38 year old male, married 10 years ago. I first had sex after marriage. Started masturbating (mb) at the age of 22 and since then have been MBing almost everyday, sometimes to porn. I have stopped porn past 2 months, and have reduced mb frequency to 3 times a week. I have been separated from my wife for past 4 years, and now we are getting back and I am worried about my performance. During the time we were together, I had problems with performing sexually. I was able to have erections but had difficulty maintaining them and my wife was never satisfied. Sometimes i was able sustain and have ok sex, but this was very rare. Masturbation felt more pleasurable with fantasies, sometimes cuckold fantasies. But now I want to improve my performance. Please help me with this. It’s very frustrating and I feel very low and inferior. Marriage has been tumultuous and there have been differences since day 1. There are many reasons for us to get divorced, but we don’t want to due to our son. While having sex I was worried about my performance. Once after penetration, I would always feel that I would lose my erection and that’s what happened most times. Consistently having great sex is on my bucket list. Please help me strike it off the list 🙂

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    I appreciate the run-down of your sexual history. But ED usually has more to to with what happens around and during sex itself than with your masturbation habits or how you lost your virginity.

    In many cases of ED, stress plays a major role. If there are many reasons for you two to divorce, I assume the relationship is stressed. That alone might explain some or all of your ED. But even if your marriage is tense, if you correct sexual misconceptions and move toward better sex, that might relieve some marital tension.

    Do you have sex shortly after drinking alcohol? Alcohol is an erection-deflator. Do you smoke? If so, it raises risk of ED. Overweight? Have diabetes? Ditto.

    Beyond that, if you’ve gotten much or your sex education from porn, you’ve learned how to make lover all wrong. To have your penis work properly and to have women give you high marks as a lover, don’t imitate porn. In fact, do the OPPOSITE of what you see in X-media. Porn is 5% kissing and hugging and 95% genital play. Great sex is around 60% hugging, kissing, and mutual whole-body massage, and only 40% genital play. Switch away from porn sex and I bet your penis behaves better.

    For fast sexual re-education, I suggest you obtain a copy of my low-cost e-book, The Best Sex of Your Life. Its 135 chapters explore all aspect of lovemaking. I bet the book would set your mind at ease, and relieve at least some of your sex-related stress. It might also facilitate productive discussions about sex with your wife. For example, are you aware there’s only a 25% chance that she has orgasms during penis-vagina intercourse. Most women need direct clitoral touch, preferably oral sex (cunnilingus).

    I bet the e-book helps. And if you need more assistance, a sex therapist could probably provide it. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-200/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I wish you the best.

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