Male Couple Enjoying Lunch In Outdoor Restaurant

I have had to rely on porn for most of a 24 year marriage that has recently ended. I am gay and now in a polyamorous relationship with a gay couple. I can usually get an erection at the beginning of sex but it goes away and is difficult to regain. During porn watching this is usually a non- issue. I’m told this is anxiety-based which I agree with. What can I do to regain my sex life with my partners?

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    Here’s why it’s easier to raise and maintain erections during self-sexing to porn than with partners: During solo sex, you have only yourself to please, and you get immediate feedback from your body about what maintains arousal and erection and what doesn’t. Partner sex is much more complicated. You have to negotiate repertoire and frequency, learn what pleases (and displeases) your partner(s) and communicate what pleases (and displeases) you. In other words, partner sex is much more likely to cause anxiety—and anxiety/stress/worry is a major contributor to erection difficulties.

    You mention that you think your situation is anxiety-based. From your brief description of things, I can’t be 100% sure, but it sounds to me like you’re correct. It’s quite likely things will improve with your partners if you can figure out how to relax more deeply with them.

    Here’s how NOT to—overindulging in alcohol. The first drink is disinhibiting, but after that, alcohol becomes a central nervous system depressant that contributes to erection trouble. Unfortunately, many people routinely have sex intoxicated. Many have never had sex sober. I’m not saying don’t drink. I’m urging you to limit the booze. You might also try using cannabis. Many studies show that around two-thirds of users call it sex-enhancing. You might see if you’re among them.

    If you smoke, talk to your doctor about quitting. Tobacco is a notorious erection-killer.

    Beyond that, you might take a hot bath or shower before sex—very relaxing. And/or exercise before that pre-sex shower, also relaxing. And/or meditate or do yoga—ditto.

    Finally, I urge you to discuss your situation with your partners. It won’t come as a surprise to them. They already know what happens to your erections during sex. But discussing is and the various approaches to resolving the issue is also relaxing and can help build emotional intimacy, which may also help your erections.

    If you’re in the middle of things and you start to go soft, don’t seize up. That only increases stress and makes things worse. Instead, breathe slowly and deeply, which is relaxing. That should help.

    For more, you might browse my Info Library, especially the low-cost e-article in the About Men section. All my e-articles carry a money-back guarantee through PayPal so they’re risk-free.

    I wish you great sex.

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