happy young healthy people couple have good time in their bedroom make love and sleep

My wife and I have recently committed to make long-duration clitoral stimulation part of essential sex as opposed to treating it as a short prelude to intercourse. I find I am so into her for 30-40 mins I completely lose my erection and feel totally relaxed after playing with her. I never have a problem getting a great erection at the start of sex, but after a long time paying attention to her it is surprisingly hard to reboot and get an erection going again. Is this normal ? Once we reboot everything is fine but when she is ready for intercourse she seems a little frustrated. How can I keep that erection going or restore it quickly if I spend 30-40 mins totally focused on her first?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    First, kudos on your commitment to clitoral stimulation. Your wife is a lucky woman.

    Now about losing your erections while focused on her clit: You don’t lose your erections. They just subside for a while until you reboot. This is normal, especially if you’re over around 40. At any age, distraction, that is, focusing on something else for example, your wife’s clitoris, can wilt erections. The most important thing is to NOT get stressed about it. Stress releases the hormone, cortisol, which constricts the arteries that carry blood into the penis, limiting in-flow. Less blood flowing in means your erections suffer. My advice: While doing her, breathe deeply and focus on her pleasure. If you wilt, that’s ok. Once she’s all done and the focus shifts to you, if you feel relaxed, breathe deeply, and think up some hot fantasies, your erections should return.

    In addition, you might masturbate while doing her. That might help you maintain firmness. Or not. Either way, if you relax, breathe deeply, and fantasize (your reveries need not include your wife), things should be fine.

    If not, consider sex therapy. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $200-400/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I wish you great sex.

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