unhappy wife while husband looks at ipad

I have given in to my husband watching porn and am ok watching with him. Now it takes porn to get him excited even when I get naked and play with myself for him. Did I do wrong by trying to accept his porn addiction?

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    No, you did nothing wrong. On the contrary, you’re a very accommodating wife. Many men would love their wives to act as you do—accepting porn and self-sexing for their husbands. This is his issue, not yours.

    Regarding his porn “addiction,” the term porn addiction is colloquially very popular and widely used. But the large majority of mental health and sexuality professionals totally reject it. I suggest you think of his porn viewing as a HABIT you’d like changed. Real addictions—to things like cigarettes and heroin—are very difficult to break. On the other hand, most habits are more amenable to change, including most men’s porn habits.

    Photographic and video porn are like TV, hypnotic. Once men see it on the screen, they tend to become transfixed. But porn largely depicts fellatio and intercourse. It varies by the kinds of people it shows (young, old, different races, and ethnicities), the places where they have sex (indoors, outdoors, in cars, boats, planes, etc.), and the social milieu (couples, threesomes, swinging, BDSM, etc.), but bottom line, porn largely depicts sucking and fucking (with a little cunnilingus). Over time, that gets boring, but it remains hypnotic, so men stick with it.

    The first step away from a porn habit involves men transitioning from video porn to story porn, for example Literotica.com, which contains tens of thousands of stories. They’re still porn, mostly sucking and fucking, but less hypnotic than photo or video porn, so most men are more willing to put them aside after a while. I don’t know if you can sell your husband on transitioning from video to stories, but it’s worth a try, and can help break his habit.

    Photo and video porn don’t require any imagination. They show everything. Stories require some imagination. Reading paints pictures in the mind. It exercises imagination. Eventually reading porn stories gets just as boring as photo/video porn. So the next step is for men to use theri imaginations to create THEIR OWN erotic fantasies, which can be more vivid, personalized, and exciting than any porn. If he’s amenable, you might begin his transition away from stories, by TELLING him stories as you act sexy and self-sex for him.

    Many men, especially men over 40, insist they can’t get aroused without porn. That’s rarely the case. They just are in the habit of getting turned on that way. When they realize they can get turned on in other ways, notably by using their own erotic imaginations, they may still enjoy porn, but it becomes less necessary for them to function sexually.

    Now I don’t know if your husband is open to my suggestions, but it’s worth a shot.

    If he reject this approach, then I would urge you to consult a sex therapist, ideally as a couple, but if he won’t go, then by yourself. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-300/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. If you go solo, the therapist can encourage you to vent your frustrations, suggest coping strategies, and perhaps ways to coax your husband to join the process. For more, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I wish you great sex.

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