Close-up of senior couple focusing on worried woman

My husband is 77 and has problems keeping an erection but he will sneak and watch porn and masturbate but will not try any type of sex with me. I recently made the move and did oral sex and was successful but it took a very long time. How can I encourage him to have sex without intercourses? He does not know I am aware of what he is doing. He is loving and we snuggle and kiss but I am afraid to push him into sex if it’s not what he wants. I still have a strong sex drive. Why does he hide what he is doing?

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    The short answer: I don’t know you and your husband so I can’t be sure why he acts as he does.

    The longer answer: I get many questions like yours, so let me provide some general contextual information. I hope it helps.

    Why does he hide his porn viewing? Perhaps he thinks you’d disapprove and he doesn’t want to stir conflict. Or perhaps he considers it private, like using the bathroom.

    The vast majority of 77-year-old men have erection problems in partner sex. But they have fewer problems solo. Masturbation is easier than partner lovemaking. You have only yourself to please and you get immediate feedback from your body about what’s arousing. So older men generally have fewer erection issues when self-sexing. Masturbation provides reassurance that they can still function sexually. That’s comforting to many men.

    Many men believe that sex = intercourse, and have difficulty transitioning to lovemaking without it. For help persuading him to embrace sex without intercourse, you might consider my low-cost e-article Great Sex Without Intercourse: A Creative Alternative for Older Couples. It comes with a money-back guarantee through PayPal, so it’s risk-free.

    It also sounds like you have a desire difference. You want more sex than he does. Desire differences are one of the leading reasons why couples consult sex therapists. Fortunately, sex therapists have developed a program that helps around two-thirds of couples negotiate a sexual frequency they both can live with more or less comfortably. I’ve distilled their program into a low-cost, self-help e-article: How Sex Therapists Recommend Overcoming Desire Differences. You might obtain a copy (same money-back guarantee).

    If the e-articles don’t provide sufficient resolution, then I’d suggest that you consult a sex therapist either as a couple or just you solo. A sex therapist can provide an individualized approach to your situation. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $200-400/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy (same guarantee), and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I wish you great sex.

Leave a Response

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.