My wife has expressed interest in being tied up, restrained, and ravished. She says it helps her feel like she can let go. That makes sense.
But when I try to do this for her, it is very very hard for me. I don’t enjoy being dominant at all. I see the pleasure it brings her but it is uncomfortable for me and not enjoyable. She has said this is her favorite type of sex and I just can’t see myself doing this for her often. I’d really rather not. She said now that she’s experienced it she wants more. Is there any way for me to learn to become more dominant for her?

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    The first rule of sex: No one should ever feel pressured to be sexual in ways they find off-putting. So if you really can’t stand the idea of being her dom (topping her), you have every right to decline to play that way.

    However, how much do you really know about the nitty gritty of BDSM? Perhaps if you gained a more comprehensive perspective, you might be able to come up with kinky play that’s ok for you and marvelous for her. I suggest you purchase a copy of my low-cost e-article “A Loving Guide to BDSM.” It should provide a good foundation for discussion. It carries a money-back guarantee through PayPal so it’s risk-free.

    Once you have a comprehensive background in BDSM, ask yourself if there’s any way you might feel comfortable granting your wife’s requests. For example, restraint need not involve elaborate tying with scarfs or rope. You might simply instruct her to hold onto the sheet with her hands and not let go until you say so. Or clasp her hands behind her head. Or hold onto her ankles….

    Or the two of you might decide on others forms of “light” BDSM play. The most popular light variations include:
    • Obedience play. You order her to do things. She might call you Master or Sir or Boss. You might call her Sub, Subbie, or Slave.
    • Blindfolds. Denying sight heightens her other senses while not demanding much domination from you.
    • Spanking. Possibilities include your hand in an oven mitt, your open hand, or using a spatula or ping pong paddle or a cat-o-nine-tails flogger. Strikes need not be hard. You also might “demand” that she counts strokes, or says “thank you” after each one.
    • Hair pulling. It need not be hard.

    One of the major joys of BDSM is the discussion it requires—your wife revealing her deepest fantasies and then the two of you negotiating how you might accomplish them, or come as close as your personal limits allow. Those discussion deepen emotional intimacy, and that’s the real power of BDSM, not just the “action.”

    Of course, as I mentioned, if you simply can’t play that way, you have every right to decline. But I bet there’s some way to accommodate your wife or at least approximate her requests without you feeling coerced or put off.

    I wish you great sex—however you play.

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