I want to spice up our sex life by introducing BDSM, but my husband has bad memories in his past (nothing sexual) and dislikes BDSM. I really want to try this with him but I do not want to pressure him or feel like he doesn’t pleasure me to the max. Should I cope and forget about this fantasy? Should I spice things up? I am not sure what to do and I really love him and BDSM is something that is a part of me and he knows that.
thanks, Amethyst

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    You’re right not to pressure him. No one should ever feel coerced to be sexual in ways that make them uncomfortable.

    It’s possible that his bad memories have turned him off to BDSM. But it’s just as likely that, independent of his past, he’s just not into playing that way. Whatever the source of his antipathy toward BDSM, he has every right to his feelings. Of course, so do you. You have every right to want to play with BDSM.

    So what to do? You have three choices: accept things as they are, end the relationship, or work to accommodate each other. Sounds like you don’t want to accept things and don’t want to break up. That leaves some type of mutual accommodation.

    How to accomplish that? First, what does he know about BDSM? Some people who are unfamiliar with it reflexively react negatively, but if they obtain information and gain insight, might be more open. To that end, I suggest that you share with him my low-cost e-article, A Loving Introduction to BDSM. It presents an overview focusing on how loving and nurturing BDSM actually is. It might begin to change his opinion.

    How specific have you been about what you want? When people say, “I want BDSM,” that’s vague and invites all sorts of fantasies that may have little to do with your actual desires. I suggest you make a list of every specific BDSM thing you want: spanking? hair pulling? blindfolding? obedience? restraint? List everything you want and then rank your list from most to least necessary for your satisfaction. Then focus on asking for your top two or three items, or at least coming close to them, with the two of you negotiating how close. If that works, you’re on your way to getting at least some of what you want. Over time, you can work down your list.

    But if he’s reluctant to provide any version of your top requests, then I’d suggest consulting a sex therapists for individualized counseling. Sex therapists are good at helping couples explore their issues and coming up with workable solutions. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-200/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I wish you the best.

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