Young couple with laptop in the bedroom

Hello I’m 51 and married. I enjoy porn as much as my husband. But lately he uses it for sex without me while I’m in bed with him. I’ve tried confronting him and he says hes still attracted but won’t take his eyes off of tv while having sex and wont even look at me. How should I deal with that?

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    You don’t say how old your husband is, but you’re 51 and most women marry men around their age or older. If that’s the case with you and your husband, he’s in the stage of life where erections go from reliable to iffy and eventually usually to some level of erectile dysfunction (ED). This transition is unnerving for most men. They’re scared of losing their erections. But they notice that if they masturbate, it’s easier to raise and maintain erections solo than it is with their partners. In self-sexing, they have only themselves to please and it’s easy to make the little adjustments that maintain erection and arousal. With lovers, sex is more complicated. Men have to please their partners and declare what kind of touch they need to stay firm, something many men can’t comfortably say. So they view more porn and stroke to it to confirm for themselves that they can still become aroused and raise erections. I’m guessing that’s why he’s been masturbating to porn more lately.

    You’re offended that he won’t look at you during lovemaking, that his eyes are glued to the TV. I’m sorry you’re having this problem. I’m guessing he does it to help him stay hard with you.

    What to do? You might discuss my speculation with him, and offer to stroke or suck him exactly as he needs to stay aroused and hard in exchange for looking at you while you do. You might also stroke him by hand and narrate sexy/porny stories to him as a substitute for his watching porn.

    He says he’s still attracted to you, still finds you desirable. I urge you to believe him, and negotiate some way he can stay aroused while you feel loved and desired. If you can’t negotiate a mutually acceptable resolution together, then I’d recommend a short course of sex therapy. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-250/hour, though some therapists charge more, and many discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology. If he won’t accompany you, I suggest you go by yourself. That’s suboptimal, of course, but the therapist may still be able to make productive suggestions.

    I wish you great sex.

    I wish you great sex.

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