Woman holding a Pink Vibrator Dildo in Bed

I’m a young lady in the UK who fears sex toys. I have occasional dysphoria. I’ve lived with various manifestations of PTSD my whole life – this may be important to note.

I have a fear of dildos. And any sexual tool or toy that represents a phallic, or is a tool for a phallic. This includes your plain dildo, fleshlights, or FTM trans packers.

I’ve always known I had such a phobia, but always denied it. In late sex ed, there was an exercise – learning to place a condom onto a dildo, as a simulation. I had been heterosexually active for 4 years before this exercise, yet I couldn’t and wouldn’t touch it. I felt sick being around them.

There is no thought process, no “A dildo may harm my vagina”, none of that. It’s visceral. I am still heterosexually active and do not have a fear of men.

I do want to experience my own body in full, and in future if I have a partner, I don’t want to hide away from the inclusion of toys.
But if I see, or I am in as reach of, specifically, a dildo or other phallic-themed object, I have a sense of panic deep in my stomach.

It causes me so much jealousy and anger to my loved ones who can experiment, or even toy with toys (pardon the pun) and not get an immediate fight/flight/freeze response.

Please. Do you have any advice?

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