Worried young man

I’m 42 and still a virgin and almost fully convinced there is NO possibility of it ever happening. I’m not really a bad looking guy but feel invisible to opposite sex. I would love to meet some nice but very introverted woman. Any suggestions? I seriously think there is something wrong me (not joking). This is really starting to affect me.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. But believe me, you’re not alone. Quite a few people are older virgins.

    I can’t tell you how to meet Ms. Nice Introvert. Instead, I recommend that you consider a surrogate partner, a sexologically trained woman who can answer the questions you probably have about women, their bodies, and their sexuality, and introduce you to mutual whole-body massage (partially clothed or naked) to familiarize you with the foundation of enjoyable lovemaking which is playful, gentle mutual touch. A surrogate can help you gain confidence in your sexual abilities so that when you do meet Ms. Right, you’ll feel reasonably familiar with erotic explorations. I hasten to add that while some surrogates are happy to get into genital sex—handjobs, fellatio, and safe intercourse—most don’t go in for genital sex, so decide what you need and then negotiate with the surrogates you interview how far they’re willing to go. To find surrogate partners, visit the International Professional Surrogates Association (IPSA).

    Most surrogates work in tandem with sex therapists, licensed psychotherapists with extensive extra training in sexual issues. As I mentioned, older virgins are by no means rare. Most sex therapists have had clients like you. You can also find surrogates through sex therapists. To find one near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, or the American Board of Sexology.

  • JeremyZ says:

    I feel for you, man. I was a virgin until late—or what I thought was late, around age 24. It can be very tormenting when you’re at the age when everyone else is having sex and you’re still not. You never feel comfortable with the opposite sex in a way that says “I’ve been intimate before”. And I still think that some women (and men too) can detect this virginity, which just makes it worse. You begin to develop social exclusion, either from the way you’re treated or by not being invited into potentially sexually “freer” social situations, or you begin to self-censor and avoid these situations on your own. . . . But let me tell you what happens when you DO start to have sex. The very first time is usually okay but not great; it will have some deficiencies that you’re aware of and want to make it better. Seek feedback from her. If you stay with that partner, the second or third times are usually great. Really great. Then you reap the real benefits of sex: that natural, easy closeness with her, being physically closer together with body language in public, finding that she does nice little things for you like straightening up your nightstand or guiding you on what clothes look best on you. And in public, people notice it. They might not know exactly why, but they say you’re happier or more confident. And in public with your girl, other women will notice. They hold their gaze longer. They’ll even stare a bit, and be obvious about it. (These are the kinds of women you were “invisible” to before!). When you’re in public without her, at work or whatever, your conversations with women will be different. More relaxed. That tense inhibition—from THEM—will be gone. Women you don’t know may even start conversations with you. I swear it’s as if they can unconsciously see auras that show you as a more attractive person. . . . That’s been my experience with several different girlfriends. And if it works, you’ll continue with this girlfriend for a while and keep building your sex life. If not (and this happens), you’ll part ways. But meeting your next girlfriend may take you by surprise because that hidden channel between you and women is still open, and she may be the one who initiates the relationship. So yes, there is a big difference between being a virgin and not being one, despite what anyone says. . . . . . . . . But you will also have some problems because of your age. Not ED (you’re not that old yet!), but your lack of experience can actually be surprising to many women. They MIGHT think there’s something wrong with you; or they’ll somehow feel awkward at having sex with someone who is so inexperienced. So be prepared with an honest but look-on-the-good-side explanation. Apparently women do like experienced, confident men. Which is odd because every sexual relationship is different and instant sexual compatibility in every way cannot be assumed to happen. And, in my experience, the sexual competence of women tends to be low; sometimes very low. And there they are judging YOU! And you might automatically assume that socially, you have to be going to bars and dance clubs and be part of the one-night-stand crowd because that’s the most visible thing people are doing. But those are venues for rejection, shallow relationships, exploitation and predatory hedonism. (Did you ever spend your ENTIRE PAYCHECK when you were younger in ONE NIGHT by buying drinks trying to get women to like you?) You don’t need that crap anymore. . . . . at your age and from what you say, and from what you’ve obviously been through, you need a woman who is not aggressive, hedonistic and selfish, but one who is more thoughtful and appreciates not just sex but everything that goes with it. Someone who appreciates YOU for what you are, not for what you’re not. There ARE women like that. . . . And another thing to avoid in your search for a good woman, is religion. Some religious women may seem to be nicer, inviting, appreciative, etc., and even pretty, but almost invariably there’s a wall between themselves and sexuality. This is not just me saying that—studies have shown it to be true. Religion and sexlessness just go together for some reason. (If you don’t believe there could be 40, 50 or 60- year-old virgin women, just join a church). I made the mistake once of joining a church in my 30s—what attracted me in part was its inviting, mixed-sex social life— and dated a 34 year-old virgin. We developed a relationship, and “made out” several times, up to and including genital touching with clothes on. When I mentioned that we could move into actual sex, she freaked out and broke up with me. (I knew something was wrong when on New Year’s eve at a church party, she wanted to “go pray” with me at midnight. What I had in mind was kissing at midnight admidst the celebration!) She was so freaked at the thought of sex. I told her “that’s what adults DO,” but it was no use. That happens a lot with them: there’s a deep, psychological sexual impairment with religious women that even therapists will tell you can’t be fixed. So don’t even waste your time there. . . . . Anyway, at your age, you might not date a whole lot before wanting to get married. Be aware that the women you date who are around your age ALL have some kind of baggage and history. And a mixture of good qualities and not-so-good ones regarding relationship competence and appeal. Some have been hurt in relationships and want to sincerely try it again and take you and their relationship qauality seriously. Others, they’ve done the rejecting, and it may become obvious after a while why their relationships failed. But consider that many, perhaps most, American women get divorced. I hate to say it, but there are some bad men out there, too. Sometimes it just takes a couple or more attempts before people find what works for them in a relationship, and that includes working with their own mindset and knowing what they want and don’t want. And in your case, like me, you might consider seeking out a European woman for a permanent relationship. They’re much less inhibited about sex. (And I mean it’s no big deal for them, just one more element of life, not that they’re hypersexual or demanding). Women from most of those countries appreciate men more than American women do in general. They often defer in ways that American women don’t, which is special. They may appear introverted, which is the kind of woman you like. And the accent, the ongoing newness with which they experience your style and culture, and their slightly exotic nature which can be somewhat intimidating to Americans, can work as a very nice glue which helps to hold the relationship together. . . . . . So yes, being a virgin for as long as you are has been damaging, I won’t lie to you about that. You may never experience sex with a young, fit, energetic woman in her 20s or early 30s. You may even have some fears and bitterness about women that will linger. But get out there and try; there ARE women suitable for you who are looking for new relationships. I wouldn’t bank on finding a virgin woman around your age who has been yearning for a sexual relationship all this time. In my experience, although it’s not out of the question, if she’s a virgin at that age, then there’s something wrong with her psychologically and she’ll probably always BE a virgin. Even if she’s great in many other ways. But you want sex and have a right to have sex in your life. So YOU must be choosey—I can’t emphasize that enough. There are women who will trap you. And exploit you. Don’t fall into that just because you’re lonely or desperate. You can reject, too, and you will have to. I strongly advise using internet dating websites. They avoid a lot of wasted time and money in your search for the right woman in your life. The website PlentyOfFish is still free as far as I know, and is one of the largest. Go for it. . . . . . . . And there is one more thing I can’t help but wonder about, with you being a 42-year-old virgin. And that’s if you’ve developed various sexual fantasies over the years that you may prefer—or need— to carry over into a real sex life when you finally find a partner. If so, be honest with yourself about them, and present these relatively early into your sexual relationship. You might be surprised at how many women will agree to or tolerate kink of various kinds, and have kinkiness of their own which they’re embarrassed about bringing up first. This life is too short to not get what you want, and you’ve suffered in loneliness long enough already.

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