Angry woman sitting on the bed

I am a woman currently without a partner. When I have sexual feelings, I try to have an orgasm but sadly I fail all the time. Could you please guide me to have a successful orgasm at least once. This is so stressful. Thanks.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    I’m very sorry you haven’t been able to have orgasms. But there’s hope! I’m confident you CAN work up to orgasm.

    First, please understand that stress interferes with orgasm ability—including the stress of not being able to have them. So the first step is to reduce your no-orgasm stress. How? By understanding that you CAN have orgasms. You just have to figure out how. Then, whenever you want to try, start with deep relaxation. Make sure you have privacy (no stress about being interrupted). Take a hot bath or shower (very relaxing). Breathe deeply (also relaxing). When you start to touch yourself, don’t immediately reach between your legs. Touch yourself all over first (relaxing), and notice the places where self-touch feels most pleasurable. Touch yourself there more.

    When you eventually reach between your legs, I hope you understand that while most women enjoy having their vaginas touched and gently entered, women’s main orgasm-triggering organ is not the vagina but the clitoris, the little bump outside the vagina, an inch or two above it, nestled beneath the top junction of the vaginal lips. Focus your gentle touch on your clitoris.

    Use lubricant. Saliva is always available. Or you might try a commercial sexual lubricant sold at pharmacies. Look near the condoms.

    Proceed slowly. Don’t “try” to have orgasms. Just relax, let go of any agenda, and enjoy touching yourself.

    Do you own a vibrator? If not, I suggest you purchase one. Vibrators help many women work up to orgasm.

    As you touch yourself and become increasingly aroused, continue to breathe deeply and stroke yourself faster and more insistently. Ride the wave of pleasure and let go of conscious control over your body. That also should help you come.

    You might also read the book Becoming Orgasmic by Julia Heiman and Joseph LoPiccolo. It’s the classic in the field.

    If you need more help, I suggest you contact a sex coach or therapist. To find a sex coach new you, contact the World Association of Sex Coaches To find a sex therapist, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    You CAN have orgasms. Here’s hoping you start having them soon!

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