Hi Michael,

First off thank you for your wonderful articles. My girlfriend and I enjoy a great sex life. We have been dating for 7 months and have been through ups and downs in our relationship. We had an explosive sex life in the beginning and would typically have sex about 3-4 times a day… it was insatiable. We did nothing but have sex. About 3 months ago we slowed down a bit (mostly her sex drive) due to stressors in our relationship (I developed a case of Relationship OCD when i stumbled upon messages I should have never read about her exes). I became insecure and started wondering how I compared to her other partners. She has assured me time and again that she feels the same way about me as I do her and has even told me she orgasms more frequently with me than she has had with any other partner. Our sex life remained great and unchallenged even through the insecurities—until I read in an article that explained all female orgasms accompany obvious anal and vaginal contractions and other signs like sex rash on the chest and flush face and I’m wondering if this is the case with all women? In the beginning of our relationship my gf would orgasm through sex and foreplay and I would see more “typical” signs of her orgasms from time to time (the sex flush, rosy cheeks and some more noticeable contractions from when I would finger her anus while she would use a vibrator). Lately, she still orgasms every time we have sex/foreplay/oral/or vibrator use but I typically don’t feel or see any obvious contractions of her anus or vaginal contractions (either in sex or when performing oral/fingering of the G-spot). She gets very wet, I do notice her g-spot swelling up but still no contractions and rarely flushed. Her clitoris gets very sensitive so she must be orgasming but this is still driving me nuts. I have spoken honestly with her about this and asked if she is truthful about the orgasms she has. She has assured me she is still orgasming constantly and has told me she herself has never been aware of any supposed contractions. I want to trust her and believe that this is the case, even though I have assured her that the most important thing for us not the orgasm but to communicate openly and honestly about how we can improve our sex life (she is adamant that our sex life is amazing but I still have troubles believing it based on our history of her lying about her ex partners). Our intimacy has never stopped (we still have sex daily) even through my obsessions. This is driving me a bit nuts and would love some clarity on weather or not there should be visible signs of orgasms or not. Thank you so much for your help.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    In sex, beware of generalizations. Sexuality is as individual as one’s fingerprints. At orgasm, some women experience noticeable skin flushing. Others do not. Some produce a good deal of natural vaginal lubrication. Others produce little. Most women experience powerful vaginal and anal muscle contractions at orgasm. Not surprising. By definition, orgasm is wave-like pelvic muscle contractions. Usually, they’re noticeable if you insert a finger vaginally or anally. Your gf had some. Now not so much. So is she having orgasms? Or is she deceiving you?

    She insists she’s orgasmic. I urge you to believe her. You guys are having a great deal of sex. It’s quite possible that her pelvic muscles have gotten a bit fatigued and don’t contract as forcefully as they would if your gf had, say, only one orgasm a week.

    She insists you’re a fine lover. I urge you to believe her. I also urge you to get a grip on your insecurities. We never really know our partners. Over time, relationships continue to unfold and usually bring new surprises about each other, some pleasant, others not. Sounds to me like you guys have a good thing going. I urge you to enjoy it. Give her the benefit of the doubt. You might stay together forever, or you might eventually break up. It’s impossible to predict. You’ve been together less than a year. But if you want to stay together, you have to get to a place of forgiveness, and move on. Harping on her betrayals and your insecurities just makes you look vindictive, paranoid, and unattractive. Maybe she’s a sinner. Maybe she’s a saint. Who knows? You’ll find out over the next couple of years. In the meantime, if you want to stay together, I suggest you forgive, accept, and move on. You’ll probably be happier—and that should help your relationship.

    Anyway, that’s my two cents. I wish you the best figuring out how to proceed.

  • paullamb100 says:

    Hi Michael,

    Thanks so much for the helpful reply! I liked your fb page and will share it around! I just had a quick question regarding your responses. “Usually, they’re noticeable if you insert a finger vaginally or anally”… what kind of sensation am I feeling for and how intense should it be? a gentle throbbing or an all out gripping of my fingers? Like i said I have done this before with oral quit a few times and do not notice any obvious contractions even when we are using the vibrator with oral. Thanks again

  • Michael Castleman says:

    Could be a gentle throbbing. Could be serial tight squeezes. I suggest you ask your gf to masturbate to orgasm with and without your finger insider her vagina or anus to show you how she comes.

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