gay couple kissing in front of the beach

Everyone knows how to define losing one’s heterosexual virginity, but what about gay men? What actually constitutes giving up one’s V card? And please don’t say “anal” because I know plenty of gay men who don’t engage in anal sex and wouldn’t consider themselves still virgins. What about lesbians? Is there a defining act that the community considers the “one”?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    You’re right. If we define loss of virginity as having penis-vagina intercourse, then lifelong lesbians and gay men would remain “virgins” even if they have sex daily for decades. You’re also correct that many gay men don’t engage in penis-anus intercourse, so that can’t be the criterion either.

    Fact is, there is no real definition of loss of virginity. The whole concept is fundamentally flawed. It assumes an either/or situation, either a virgin or not. But the vast majority of people, no matter what their sexual orientation, become sexual on a ladder of erotic escalation, from solo sex, to kissing another, touching and being touched all over, then perhaps oral, or some kind of intercourse. Which means that people lose their “virginity” when they decide they’ve lost it. For gay men that might be first hand job given or received, or fellatio, or anal play. It’s really up to you.

    The other issue with virginity loss is the mistaken notion that after you’ve lost it, you’re “experienced.” Actually, it takes time, practice, and negotiation to become truly sexually skilled and experienced. Number of times doing it may have little relation to sexual quality. It’s possible to have tons of lousy, unskilled sex. It’s also possible to have only a few sexual experiences, but if they’re patient, well negotiated, and involve lots of gentle, whole-body play have them feel marvelous.

    Bottom line: You’ve lost your virginity when you decide you’ve lost it.

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