My male partner and I have been together for 6 yrs. Married and divorced but got back together. Since I have known him, he has had a low sex drive. I want sex every day, many times a day. He can go once a day at most. I can come on to him fresh out the shower and naked and get no reaction. There are also times when during sex he say I’m hurting his dick, that I’m too tight inside.  Am I doing something wrong? I am not super-attractive but for a gal who’s 106 lb and 5 ft tall, I’m pretty good looking. What am I doing wrong?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    Like many couples, you have a desire difference. Only yours is more major than most. And that can cause conflict, resentments, and hurt feelings.

    There is no “right” or “normal” or “healthy” amount of sex in any relationship, just what works for the two lovers. You have every right to want sex more than once a day. And your partner has every right to want it less frequently. And neither of you is under any obligation to grant the other’s sexual wishes.

    Desire differences are virtually inevitable in long-term relationships. When they’re major and go on for a while, as with you guys, they become two problems: the difference itself, and the resentments that develop around them. In addition, non-sexual affection (friendly hugs and kisses) tend to drop out of the relationship because of what they might be interpreted to mean. The one who wants more sex interprets non-sexual affection as an invitation to sex. The one who wants less sex withholds affection for fear of giving the impression of readiness for sex.

    Fortunately, sex therapists have developed a program that allows many couples to reach mutual accommodations by deciding how much sex they will have and then scheduling it in advance. For more on this program, read my low-cost e-article: How Sex Therapists Recommend Overcoming Desire Differences. You probably won’t get all the sex you want, but you may well be able to negotiate a frequency you both can live with comfortably.

    However, you guys have a major desire difference, and I’m guessing some significant resentments have developed. It’s quite possible that the e-article might not resolve things to your mutual satisfaction. In that case, I’d recommend sex therapy. Sex therapy usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions costing $150-200/hour, though many therapists discount their fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, clients DON’T have sex with therapists and therapists DON’T watch clients having sex. For more, read my low-cost e-rticle, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I wish you great sex.

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