I occasionally wake up to my husband kneeling on the floor hiding below the edge of the bed masturbating to his phone. I don’t know if he is watching porn or talking to somebody. He won’t even try to be intimate with me. He just waits until I fall asleep and does it himself. I’m a heavy set female with PCOS, so I already have my insecurities and his actions really make me feel terrible. He raped me for the first year of our marriage, so I don’t know if I just don’t satisfy his needs and that’s why he hides. He is a very jealous person and use to accuse me of cheating and would say “I’m being secretive” yet here he is being just as secretive. Maybe I should just follow through with the divorce
process I started over a year ago.

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    I sympathize. You have a right to regular partner sex in your relationship.

    I also believe that everyone, single or coupled, has the right to masturbate. He was self-stroking long before he met you. Why should he give up apple pie once he’s tasted blueberry? But some women object to their men masturbating, thinking that they should meet all of their men’s sexual needs. Trouble is, you can’t meet his need to masturbate, which is, by definition, a solo activity which many men use for self-soothing the way women shop, talk with friends, or take hot baths.

    Meanwhile, you say he raped you early in your marriage, and you imply that it happened many times. That’s disturbing.

    I can’t tell you to stay with him or divorce him. That’s up to you. It sounds like you’re ambivalent. You looked into divorce, but you’re still with him. I urge you to make up your mind one way or the other. If it’s divorce, then there’s no need to try to work out his secretive masturbation. But if you decide to remain married, then I’d urge you to consult a sex therapist to discuss everything from his raping you to his solo sex. Sex therapy usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-200/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, clients DON’T have sex with therapists and therapists DON’T watch clients having sex. For more, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    Finally, about your polycystic ovarian syndrome, it can be treated with diet changes and regular, ideally daily, exercise. I hope you’re under a doctor’s care.

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