Father hearing his son or daughter kicking sound check inside mother belly when sitting on lying on bed at home.

Hi, I had twins 8 months ago. I would consider having another child, but my husband has postpartum depression and refuses to even discuss any more kids. He said he’s thinking of getting the snip to make sure there’s no chance of my birth control failing. Before I first got pregnant, I was aware that my husband found pregnant women attractive and was excited that I could provide that fantasy for him… until he wouldn’t touch me. From about 4 months pregnant he thought sex with me was disgusting and didn’t want sexual with me at all. Since our babies arrived, we have had sex one time. Just once. In 8 months. He says he’s too tired.I know he watches porn and he knows I don’t like it (as it definitely impacts our sex life) and he deletes his browser history daily to hide it. One day he didn’t delete it and curiosity got the better of me (I know I shouldn’t be looking but I want to know what he would prefer to me) He was watching porn of pregnant women masturbating. Honestly while I was pregnant I loved my body, I felt great, my tummy was tight and gorgeous and round and I am large breasted.
So my husband never wants me to be pregnant ever again and didn’t want to have sex with me. Now that I’m not pregnant he won’t either and I find out he does in fact find pregnant women attractive?! How can I try and attract my husband again? I’m starting to realise it may be more about me and less about ‘his time.’

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    I’m very sorry you’re in the midst of what must feel inconceivable—him clearly fantasizing about pregnant women after he shunned sex with you while you were pregnant.

    I make no apology for him. But I hope I can persuade you that his behavior is neither crazy nor any indication that he doesn’t want to have sex with you going forward. I bet he does.

    Your husband is by no means alone. Many men fantasize about sex with pregnant women, but when their wives become pregnant, they turn off to sex with them during the pregnancy. The reason: There’s a big difference between fantasy and reality. Sexual fantasies can feel so vivid that we think we really want them to come true. Then, when they do, we realize that our fantasies were just that, daydreams that don’t reflect how we really feel or what we really want. I think that’s what happened with your husband. He realized that he prefers his fantasy of pregnant women to remain a fantasy. That also explains why he’s returned to it now that you’re not pregnant anymore. He enjoys the fantasy … as long as it doesn’t become reality.

    How to return to partner sex? First, don’t panic. When he says he’s too tired, that may be true. New parenthood takes a tremendous amount of energy, especially caring for twins. Most couples return to lovemaking within a year of childbirth. Your kids are 8 months old. Over the next few months, his libido might return.

    Have you two ever left your twins with anyone else? The kids’ grandparents? Some other relative or friend? A hired babysitter? If not, I urge you to do this regularly so you and your husband can get some respite, and spend some time just the two of you, and have some fun together apart from your kids, and possibly repair to a hotel or to the home of a friend who’s away and make love. Many new parents have difficulty doing it with the infants right there or in the next room. With time away from them, libido often returns.

    If your husband’s doesn’t, then I would suggest consulting a sex therapist. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-300/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I wish you a speedy return to great sex.

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