Boyfriend looking at upset girlfriend sitting on end of bed

My wife and I have been married for ten years. She has never had an orgasm. She has tried reading erotica, using a vibrator. She gets highly aroused, but can’t quite get over the edge. It gets too sensitive and she has to stop. She says that she doesn’t really feel the need to orgasm or really even want to. But she tries because she knows sex is important to me. I try to be a good lover and do the things in your book. But I wonder if I should just accept that she isn’t interested in orgasm and try to enjoy it for what it is. I just feel like it could be so much more enjoyable for both of us if she could learn to orgasm regularly. But I also realize I can’t want it for her. Your advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks!


  • Michael Castleman says:

    Anyone who’s ever had an orgasm knows how sublime they feel, so it’s natural and generous that you would want your wife to experience them.

    But I’m guessing that she feels under pressure to get there, which just might cause enough stress to keep her from coming.

    I suggest you try one last approach—sex therapy. If she’s up for it, chances are good that a sex therapist could help her over the hump. In addition to working on her orgasms, a therapist can also help her—or the two of you—process your feelings about her situation.

    But if she’s not into sex therapy, then I would urge you to accept things as they are and move on. You can still provide her with sensual pleasure through whole-body massage, hand jobs, oral sex, and if you’re so inclined, perhaps a bit of kink (blindfolds, spanking). And of course, she can still bring you off.

    If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-200/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I wish you great sex.

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