I’m 48, and still hot. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and our sex was awesome—up until 4 months ago when I found out that he masturbates in secret all the time. I also discovered that he watches porn. And I cane home and found a dildo in the sink and a towel on the couch. I KNOW he doesn’t cheat on me cuz he isn’t that way. He’s really private with what he does. He treats me like a queen in every other way. Now he can’t stay hard. Am I missing something. Please help!!!!!!

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  • Michael Castleman says:

    I’m happy to reply to your questions—but you may not like what I have to say.

    So you discovered that he watches porn. Many women believe that only bad, perverted, misogynist men watch porn. In fact, ALL men do. There are more than 1 billion porn pages on the Internet and porn sites are among the most visited by men. Canadian researchers wanted to compare sexual attitudes among men who either did or did not watch porn. They could not find a single man who hadn’t seen it. They tried harder, advertising all over the media and the Internet. Same result. All men watch porn—and that includes your grandfathers, your father, uncles, brothers, sons, and grandsons if you have any.

    Why do men watch porn? Feminist porn critics claim it reflects women-hating and insist it depicts violence against women. Actually, many studies show that porn-watchers don’t hate women, and that porn is LESS violent toward women than many cop shows. Men watch porn for one reason and one reason only—as a masturbation aid.

    Most men masturbate a lot more than most women. Many many men stroke daily, many more than once a day. It’s the way men self-soothe. Women take hot baths, talk with friends, and shop (“retail therapy”). Men stroke their dicks. But for masturbation to be fun, men need vivid erotic fantasies. Men’s own fantasies get stale, so they turn to porn where a billion can be viewed for free.

    Many women object to men masturbating, saying that it’s fine for single guys, but that once men are coupled, the women they’re with should meet all of their sexual needs. Sorry, but women can’t meet men’s need to masturbate, which, by definition, is a solo pleasure. Telling men to stop masturbating is as ridiculous as telling women to stop chatting with friends and shopping.

    You complain that he masturbates in secret. Well, of course he keeps it a secret. He doesn’t want to upset his porn-hating girlfriend. You say he does it “all the time.” Let’s assume he does it once a day. That’s not at all unusual. About the dildo you found. Some men like to play with toys while they masturbate. Maybe he inserts it orally or anally. As far as I’m concerned, that’s fine. And about his erection problem. It’s possible that he’s all tugged out by the time you two make love. But believe me, he’s been watching porn for years, decades, his whole life since adolescence, and you say your sex life was “awesome” until you discovered his little secret. What changed? You suddenly started condemning the way he self-soothes. It’s put him under considerable stress, and sexual stress often causes erection difficulties.

    Porn can be a problem for men—if it interferes with school, work, friendships, family, and regular sex with their lovers. If not, what’s the problem? Many women say: I can’t compete with “those” women. You’re NOT in competition with porn actresses any more than he’s in competition for your attention with the pair of shoes you stared at during your last trip to the mall. He loves you. He treats you like a queen. And like virtually every other man on Earth, he also likes to stroke. You’re free to hate porn if you wish, but his viewing it is no threat to you or your relationship.

    Many women catch their men viewing porn, and insist they stop. The men agree. But they don’t stop. They just go deeper underground. Is that what you want? Your guy hiding part of his life from you?

    As I said, you probably don’t like what I’m saying here. But if he treats you like a queen, what’s so bad about him doing what all men do? My advice: Tell him it’s okay. If you do this, he’ll treat you even better and I bet his erection problem resolves pretty quickly.

    I wish you great sex.

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