I’m 39 and have been married to my husband, whom I love very much, for 12 years. We’re about the same age. He is a wonderful husband and I know he loves me dearly. The problem is that we have never (!) had a good sex life. My past experiences tell me that when I first have sex with a man, it is never all that good, but the newness counteracts that. After a while, when you have learned each others’ likes and dislikes, you create good sex. So, my husband & I married after just a month and I wasn’t worried, we’d get good at sex together, right? Well, he runs his race no matter what–for 12 years. For example, he is a very sloppy kisser and when he wasn’t responding to my signals to adjust the kissing, after a couple of months I finally said in a playful manner, “This is how I like to kiss” & I showed him. He was so offended & hurt that we haven’t kissed since (open mouth that is). He is angry with me for never wanting to have sex, yet he won’t listen to what I want or need. He gets his education from porn. Foreplay to him means to rub my erogenous zones for 10 minutes before penetrating. He always complains that I’m not passionate, but I turn inwards trying to get excited enough to where it won’t be too uncomfortable or even hurt. I have talked to him about needing foreplay, and that I’m not ready to have my special zones rubbed right away, to touch me everywhere else to build up desire. He tries to accomodate me, but touches me without intent just to get it over with so he can get to the good spots. He just doesn’t know how to do it and I don’t know how to teach him. I have never ever had this issue before. I bought him a book on foreplay once but he never read it. He was again hurt & thinks that sex shouldn’t be that difficult. He’ll buy toys for me and erotic books, etc since he sees me as having a sexual dysfunction problem rather than us having a communication problem. He has had several partners before me by the way. To make matters worse he has a very high sex drive and I feel like I could live the rest of my life without ever having sex again at this point. We have sex about 3 times a week, which he feels is not enough. I’m to the point that I don’t even know what I like because it has been 15 years since I had good sex and I’m angry about it because I feel like I have been robbed of my own sexuality. How do I communicate to him what I need without hurting his feelings? He is American and I’m from a country where sex is not as taboo. We had good sex eduaction in school & we learned the importance of foreplay for women around age 16 I think. Anyway, I just don’t know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
Sex life and sexual communication need improvement…
