cheerful couple in wheelchair doing a selfie outdoors

I’ve got Cerebral Palsy, Hydrocephalus, Dyspraxia and Asperger’s. Which basically means I look odd. And it’s also meant a life virtually totally bereft of female companionship in the bedroom (Though I HAVE asked 7 ladies to marry me because I thought they were in love with me like I was with them, Asperger’s alert, they hit the hills the moment I asked!)

So I’m 54 now and just met a woman who’s mentally handicapped like me – doesn’t mean either of us are ‘stoopid’ or ‘cant learn’ like we keep being told. And I can’t get it up. And I’m kinda feeling suicidal over it – would you believe I’ve read up on the Peaceful Pill Handbook before finding your site by chance – because she’s stunning and I don’t want to lose her by telling her.

I thought it was just cos I was 54, but I keep reading I should be able to get it up till I’m 70. If she gets pregnant I’m fine about having a kid, I can handle having one, please believe that. I’d also just love to know what having sex feels like! Why wasn’t I having sex earlier in life? Because all the ladies were telling me how ugly/deformed/even ‘diseased’ I was, the males were beating up on me more than saying anything, and I flat didn’t get the chance. I really tried.

I really, really don’t want to go through the rest of my life as much a failure to Lucinda as I have been in everything else to everyone else. If you think that’s all I can be, tell me and I’ll go away. I’ve tried sex clinics but they’ve been no good. If you’ve got any ideas, tell me and I’ll try them. Even if only for awhile, I just don’t want Lucinda to hit the hills too!

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    If you’ve had serious suicidal thoughts, I urge you to consult a mental health professional promptly. Here are two reasons to persevere, to live: Lucinda and the fact that you CAN be sexual, enjoy sex, experience orgasms, and help bring her to orgasms.

    You complain of erection loss and say you’ve read you should be able to raise erections until age 70. I don’t know what you’ve read, but that material has failed to present a nuanced picture of age, disability, and erections. Here’s what you need to know: During their 50s, many able-bodied men notice their erections becoming less reliable, wilting in the middle of things, and in some cases fading away for good. By age 70, only 10 percent of healthy able-bodied men can raise firm erections without drugs, and for many older men, the drugs stop working. Raising erections requires a robust nervous system. Yours may not be. In addition, severe chronic stress can wreak havoc with erections. Stress releases hormones that constrict the arteries that supply blood to the penis. When men are under stress, less blood flows into their penises and it becomes difficult, possibly impossible, for them to raise erections. Your disabilities have stressed you for a long time. Your suicidal thoughts show that you’re depressed. Chronic depression is also an erection-killer. As a result, I’m not surprised you’re having erection trouble.

    However, it’s quite possible for older men, disabled men, and older disabled men to enjoy great sex, even if they can’t raise erections. Most older couples who remain sexual contend with erection loss and adjust to making love in other ways——hand jobs, fingering, oral sex, toys, and possibly some anal and kink. You CAN enjoy lovemaking, have marvelous orgasms, and provide Lucinda with pleasurable erotic touch and orgasms. I’m going to send you a free copy of my e-book, Enjoy the Best Sex of Your Life. Its 135 chapters discuss all aspects of lovemaking, with several focused on erection issues, and how to have great sex without erections. I suggest you and Lucinda read the e-book and discuss how it can apply to you.

    I also suggest you consider consulting a sex therapist to help you individually or you and Lucinda together make the most of your lovemaking. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-300/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my chapter, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I wish you great sex.

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