Hi! I want to preface my question with some backstory about me and my husband. We are both in our early 30’s, met each other a couple years ago as adults, and are very open and accepting of who the other is. We loved that we found each other as secure adults, aware of our likes, dislikes, and boundaries. We both view porn and masturbate – solo and together – and we are both OK with that. We did it before we came into each other’s lives and see no reason to stop; we think it’s healthy. That being said, I was using my husband’s phone to look something up and I when I pulled up the search engine, I saw multiple porn pages open (60+). Fine. I know he likes to find what he likes and keep them pulled up for later reference. But curiosity got the best of me and I began perusing the open pages. I was upset and disturbed by what I found. All of the pages included key search words like “tiny teen” and featured extremely thin girls with almost flat chests, no pubic hair, and very young looking faces. It must be said that the websites were all ones I’m familiar with, and not sketchy (Pornhub, nude.eu, etc..) with the exception of one whose title upset me (TeenPornStorage). Granted, in all the descriptions, it says the girls are 18. In reality, I’m sure they are even older than that, but made to look younger. However, I was deeply disturbed – particularly by one model who literally looked like a 12 year old. I mean, her body and face actually look like those of a prepubescent girl. My questions are: #1. Do I have the right to even confront my husband on this matter since it was technically a breach of privacy that led to me finding it, even though the intention was not to snoop? (we do not lock our phones, we regularly leave them laying around, and we are welcome to use each other’s for anything) And #2. Do you think I’m valid in being upset that my husband’s pornographic fantasized involve young girls? I know wanting to have sex with a real 14 year old is drastlocally different than masturbating to an 18 year old girl dressing like a teen, but isn’t that whole act playing to the “I want to sleep with a teenager” fantasy? I don’t want to begrudge him his fantasies, as I’m entitled to my own also, but it feels wrong to me. And #3 Whether or not my anger and disgust is valid, do I say something to him? I’m not sure there is any way to productively work through this. I envision us both getting upset, because at the root, this is about what turns him on and what he finds erotic. If I tell him I find it wrong and disturbing, it won’t change his desires; it will only make him feel either guilty or angry. Even if he never looked at that type of girl again, his desire to isn’t disappearing. And I know that and am upset by that. So…#4 Is there really any good way to handle/discuss this with my husband? It is causing me to be distant from him and not want sex with him, when we previously had a wonderful sex life.

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    It’s very good that you and your husband are basically on the same page regarding porn and masturbating to it. He’s lucky to be with you. Many women can’t stand porn and feel deeply offended and betrayed when their husbands view it. But you’ve drawn the line at teen girl porn—even though the girls are virtually certain to be over 18.

    Before I reply, I should mention my own biases. I believe that in fantasy everything is permitted and nothing is wrong. As long as people can draw a clear distinction between fantasy and reality, as far as I’m concerned, they can fantasize about anything they want, including nasty things like teen girls. I believe in complete freedom of fantasy, as long as it remains in the realm of daydreams and the fantasizes don’t attempt to make their fantasies come true.

    Based on my own biases, I see nothing horrible about your husband viewing teen girl porn. Would you feel different if he developed a thing for old lady porn? Obese women? Midgets? Amputees? They’re all out there. If you can imagine it, there’s probably porn featuring it.

    There’s also the issue of you spying on him. You say you met as adults and are clear on each other’s boundaries. Well, it seems you feel guilty about violating one of his, personal privacy.

    Should you confront him? You’re reluctant to do so. You don’t see how any good could come from it, that it would only make him feel guilty or angry. You’re absolutely right. And there’s something else to consider. If you jump on him for viewing this genre of porn, it becomes forbidden fruits, and possibly even more attractive. In addition, he’s very likely to go deeper underground with his solo porn viewing, so that going forward, you know even less of what he’s into. Is that what you want? I can’t tell you whether to confront him or not. That’s for you to decide. But you seem to feel that confrontation is a losing strategy, and I agree.

    Like I said, personally, I believe in freedom of fantasy. You tolerate his other porn use and even participate in it with him yourself. What’s so different about fantasies of teen girls vs. fantasies of cougar women with teen boys? Or for that matter, any porn?

    I get it that you’re upset, that the teen-girl genre crosses the line for you. But if nothing good can come from confronting him, why contemplate it? You might just be better off taking some deep breaths and believing, as I do, that people deserve freedom of fantasy, and that in fantasy everything is permitted and nothing is wrong—as long as you don’t try to make your fantasies reality.

    I hope this helps.

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