Hello Michael,

My gf is 29 years old. We use a vibrator often for sex and lately we’ve been using it a lot. I am not insecure about the use of the vibrator but I do have a question regarding touch vs vibrator. I am noticing that when she uses the vibrator she generates a lot of natural lubrication almost immediately with or without foreplay. In contract, when we don’t use the vibrator, we spend a lot of time with foreplay (kissing, caressing, gentle stroking all around her erogenous zones) and when it comes time to touching her vagina she is still not nearly as wet as when she uses the vibrator. I use spit to get her juices flowing in this situation. Once that happens she will then maintain her wetness throughout the course of sex. I’m just wondering if I am doing something wrong with my touch or if it’s just a matter of understanding that the vibrator which is a machine which is capable of getting her aroused more quickly and easily? Thanks for your wonderful columns and help!

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    You’re doing everything right and nothing wrong. A tip of the hat to your welcoming vibrators into your couple lovemaking. Many men fret about “being replaced by a machine,” but that’s an over-reaction. Vibrators can’t kiss, hug, talk, listen, make women laugh, or provide anything else that involves human interactions. They just do one thing and they do it very well—provide intense stimulation that can trigger rapid release of vaginal lubrication. But using saliva works just as well. You might also try a commercial lube. You sound like a skilled lover. Carry on and enjoy!

  • blueguitarstudio says:

    Wow. Thank you so much for the quick reply. I find that very helpful. Does this vibrator/non vibrator issue also apply to the intensity of her orgasms as well? I consider myself experienced with oral and manual stimulation techniques and am sensitive to my partners needs and reassure her that she can freely communicate with me about what gets her going. I do notice when I give her oral and am manually fingering her without the vibrator that her orgasms are less intense.. meaning i don’t feel the same intense typical muscular contractions that I do without the vibrator handy… sometimes they are imperceptible light throbbing after she cums.. in situations where I am giving her oral and fingering her with the vibrator I do notice more intense contractions. We also use the vibrator in sex and she can orgasm with or without. In this situation I can’t notice any obvious muscular contractions on my penis either with the vibrator or without (we are usually orgasming at the same time). I do notice a lot of wetness and a swelling of the g-spot area which makes me believe she’s definitely orgasming but if you have any insight on these issues then that would be wonderful aswell. I just want to give her the most pleasure she can have without developing a complex about if i’m not as good without a vibrator. She has never used a vibrator with previous partners so I’m trying to internalize the fact that she has chosen to use sex toys with me as a positive… perhaps she has found someone she is comfortable enough to use one with? My mind sometimes wonders if she’s using it with me frequently because it is something I am doing wrong and that something she didn’t need it with for other partners. She has told me she orgasms more consistently with me than her past partners. Cheers and thanks for your great service.

  • Michael Castleman says:

    She may well have more intense orgasms with her vibrator, but it’s not a contest—The Machine vs. you. Sometimes she might be want to see the movie on the big screen, other times, the TV is just fine.

    Long-term relationships are all about intimacy, revealing yourself to the other person and having that person reveal to you, with both of you accepting and enjoying each other. She’s revealed something important. She enjoys using a vibrator and wants to do that with you. She’s taken a risk. But she trusts you enough to take it—and, with your support of using a vibe in partner sex, it sounds like her bet paid off. She’s happy and I agree—see this as very positive. It is.

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