A New Study Reveals Our Deepest Sexual Insecurities

We’ve been married since Valentine’s Day this year. Now he is playing alone and lying about it. It’s ruining this new marriage before we get started. He’s masturbating every morning after I leave for work. I cant handle his lying. I cannot trust him. Why does he have to lie? I don’t understand at all. I used to masturbate when I was single, but find no need for my toys now that I’m with him. That’s part of getting married. isn’t it? I feel betrayed.

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    Like many people, you seem to believe that once people marry, the two spouses should meet all of each other’s sexual needs and there’s no longer any reason to masturbate. Actually, most married people—both men and women, but especially men—continue to masturbate throughout life. He was masturbating long before he met you. Why give up apple pie once you’ve tasted blueberry? The testosterone in men’s veins grabs them by the testicles and screams sex, Sex, SEX! He may be deeply in love with you, but that doesn’t change the fact that as a man, he feels a strong sex drive and often answers that call with one hand. Most married men masturbate more than they have partner sex. This is normal. As far as I’m concerned, it’s not cheating or betrayal. He’s not having sex outside of your marriage with any other women. He’s having sex within your marriage, just without you. I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings, but men stroke more than women, and married men continue to stroke.

    You also note that he lies about his solo sex. Chances are he knows you disapprove and doesn’t want to provoke conflict with you. I don’t admire him for misleading you, but I also believe that everyone has a right to privacy including the right to masturbate—as long as it doesn’t interfere with life responsibilities or partner sex in a relationship.

    I urge the two of you to discuss the issues of married masturbation and his lying about it. It’s clear from your question that you hold strong views on these issues, and that you now resent him and say you can’t trust him. This could have potentially serious implications for your marriage. I suggest you consider a brief course of professional counseling, ideally sex therapy since a sexual issue is at the heart of your conflict.

    If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $200-400/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my low-cost e-article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I wish you great sex.

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