After I gained weight, my husband stopped visiting me for sex. My weight gain turned him off, and he chose to masturbate instead of having sex with me. After a time (1 to 2) months he came back to have sex with me but says it was because it felt better. Ugg! Then he says he finally realized what he had in me as a wife…..wish I could believe him. He is now older and this has come to light only within the last two years. I am soooo crushed. Your thoughts?
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I’m sorry your weight gain caused your husband to sexually reject you. I can see your point. Rejecting you was cruel. But some people find major weight gains a turn-off.
I suggest that the two of you visit a sex therapist together. Since your presenting issue is sexual, a sex therapist would be a good place to start. The therapist can help you vent your heartache, and help your husband articulate his feelings. The therapist can also help you repair your relationship, and enjoy sex together again.
If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, sex therapists are psychotherapists with extra training in sexual issues, who can provide relationship therapy as well as science-based insights into sexual issues and problems. Sex therapists do NOT have sex with you and do NOT watch you have sex. They rely on face-to-face conversations. They impart sex information and lovemaking insights, and often assign “homework.” Sex therapy typically lasts four to 12 months, depending on the relationship issues involved. Costs vary, but expect $200-300/hour. Some providers discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my the chapter on sex therapy in my book, Sizzling Sex for Life, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
If your husband won’t accompany you, I urge you to go by yourself. That’s suboptimal, of course, but the therapist may still be able to offer helpful suggestions.
I wish you sizzling sex for life.
I WOULD believe him when he says he finally came around to knowing what he has in a wife. It sounds like he was initially turned off by your weight gain — as some men are — but then came back and found that sex with your new, plumper self was just fine. He was being honest, and you should appreciate that.
I myself am not fat but I’ve always been attracted to plump or fat women. I’m not sure why; maybe there’s just more curves, more voluptuousness, and, I’ve found many times, less neurosis in chubby women. Maybe he’s finding a new attractiveness in you.
Thanks Jeremy.
It’s so hard for me to get over the hurt of being rejected. During our dry spell, I would go to him, not knowing the weight gain issue, and tell him how much I wanted to be with him. He never seemed moved by my tears. What seems so unfair is, he had flaws of his own…alcohol abuse and smoking……
I appreciate your perspective.