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Is my wife bisexual? How can I reduce my anxiety about her wanting to have sex with other women?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    If your wife is interested in sex with women, she’s at least somewhat bisexual. There’s a broad range of bisexuality, from same-gender play once or twice to regularly seeking same-gender lovemaking. I don’t know where she falls on the continuum, but anyone who identifies as heterosexual and then desires same-gender play is at least somewhat bisexual.

    There’s also a range of reactions from heterosexual partners, from horror/divorce to anxieties like yours to grudging acceptance to suggesting threesomes. There’s no right or wrong here, just what you both feel, and how you and your wife work things out.

    My suggestion: The two of you try a brief course of sex therapy. Sex therapists don’t take sides and won’t urge one path or another. They’ll help you both clarify your feelings about her emerging bisexuality, and then help you both redefine your relationship in light of her new feelings. You might grow closer and embrace some amount of bisexuality for her, or you might grow apart and possibly even split up. It’s impossible to predict. That’s why I urge you to consult a sex therapist to help you navigate these choppy waters.

    If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-300/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I wish you great sex.

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