man grabbing woman from behind

Before my wife and I got married, she worked with a much older man. She was in her twenties and he in his forties. This older man was infatuated with my wife, and became a borderline stalker. She found him repulsive. Fast-forward to now. We’ve been married for 14 years and have great sex (use toys, porn, sexy underwear). She recently admitted that when we have sex she sometimes thinks about this man having sex with her, and those thoughts push her to climax. While telling me this, she was in tears. She believes she must be fucked up in the head to have such thoughts. I told her I thought it was kinda hot. We would never want to act out this fantasy in real life, but I’ve been encouraging her to think about it and explore it with me while we have sex so she can climax even harder. She’s repulsed by her fantasy over this old creep; how do I help her get past this and let her know that I’m all in?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    I totally agree with you. Please share my reply with your wife.

    In fantasy, everything is permitted and nothing is wrong–nothing. Fantasies give us a safe way to play with experiences we either want to have, or would never want to have. There is nothing at all fucked up about fantasizing scenes that in real life would repulse us. For example, depending on the study, somewhere between half and two-thirds of women have erotic fantasies of being forced into sex, that is, sexually assaulted, raped. They would never want to actually be assaulted, but for a majority of women, such fantasies are hot and feel sex-enhancing.

    Why? Dopamine. That’s the brain chemical (neurotransmitter) of pleasure. When we experience any pleasure–eating ice cream, petting a dog, anything–blood levels of dopamine increase. Dopamine also plays a major role in sexual pleasure. Anything new or different boosts erotic pleasure and satisfaction. Have you ever noticed that sex feels hotter in hotels? Hotels are something different, and that increases dopamine. In addition to new activities like traveling and staying in hotels, new and different sexual THOUGHTS also boost dopamine. That’s why hot fantasies enhance sex. They’re something different than our usual routines.

    Your wife found that old stalker repulsive. But just like women who have rape fantasies, imagining sex with him is novel and different, therefore exciting. There’s nothing wrong with her mental health for having such reveries. In fantasy, everything is permitted and nothing is wrong–nothing.

    I with you guys great, fantasy-fueled sex.

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