Women Know Best: Men Should Heed Women’s Sexual Wisdom -

If men made love the way most women prefer, both sexes would feel more sexually fulfilled—and many relationships would improve out of bed as well as between the sheets.

If men made love the way most women prefer, women would receive the leisurely, playful, massage-inspired, whole-body sensuality every sex survey shows they want.

Meanwhile, if men made love the way most women prefer, men would enjoy more aroused lovers and enjoy more reliable erections and better ejaculatory control.

All men have to do is let go of the idea that sex should proceed like it does in pornography.

Women’s Biggest Complaint About the Way Men Make Love

Women’s biggest complaint about the male love style is that it’s too rushed, too mechanical, and too narrowly focused on the breasts and genitals.  In many women’s experience, too many men simply want to plunge into intercourse. That’s porn-style sex. It can be summed up by the phrase, “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.”

The breasts and genitals should certainly be included in lovemaking, but every major sex survey agrees that most women prefer a shift away from genital preoccupation and toward slow, playful, whole-body massage.  Most women consider the entire body one big erogenous zone, and can’t understand why so many men explore only a few corners of the wonderful sensual playground that is our flesh.  Many women resent men for rushing through sex.

Men’s Biggest Complaint About the Way Women Make Love

Meanwhile, men’s biggest complaint about the female love style is that many women simply aren’t interested.  They need to be wined, dined, and coaxed into bed, and when they get there, they take little or no initiative, which men resent.  Many men also feel deep sexual self-doubt.  The women on TV, in the movies, and certainly in pornography are very interested in sex.  Some are consumed by it.  Many men think: If the woman in my life isn’t interested, there must be something wrong with me.  But instead of asking women what’s wrong, men often internalize what they’ve experienced from the sex media: Their penises are “too small” to provide women adequate pleasure.  Surveys show that most men are convinced this is true.  Many men also worry about coming too soon, or erection problems—especially after 40—or not coming at all.

Time for a Truce in the Battle of the Sexes

Since the mid-1960s when research by William Masters, M.D., and Virginia Johnson led to the development of modern sex therapy, it has become clear why so many couples’ love lives are agony instead of ecstasy.  The rushed, mechanical, all-genital lovestyle most men learn at the curbside, in the locker room, and from pornography ignores women’s needs and contributes significantly to men’s sex problems. Men learn that except for a few quick swipes at women’s breasts, the only part of the body that counts is the area between the legs.  They should listen to women: The whole body is one big erogenous zone.  In fact, whole-body, massage-inspired caressing is the key the high-quality lovemaking. Sure, genital appreciation is part of great sex.  But so are foot massage, back rubs, finger sucking, scalp, face, and back-of-the-knee caresses, and kisses on the earlobes, shoulders, and neck. Unfortunately, few men connect the male all-genital lovestyle with its all-too-frequent results, erection problems, premature ejaculation, and resentful women prone to late-night headaches.

Men’s sexual miseducation is not men’s fault. Young men feel tremendous pressure to know the ins and outs of sex, as it were, so they’ll be able to lead their presumably sexually naive girlfriends in intimate explorations.  Few parents discuss sex the details of erotic technique with their sons.   School-based sex education is all about sperm, eggs, sexually transmitted diseases, and (with any luck) contraception. But even the best school-based sex ed communicates not one iota of information about whole-body sensual caressing in lovemaking.  So young men fall back on the only resources available to them—other young men, and the sex media, which largely ignore sensuality, and instead, feature men with elephantine penises (the main reason why just about every many is convinced his is too small). It’s a classic case of the blind leading the blind.

The Key to Great Sex At Any Age

It’s also why sex therapists need not fear unemployment.  Modern sex therapy has made many startling discoveries, but none more important than this: The key to great sex is leisurely, playful, whole-body caressing.  How leisurely?  Very.  Song lyrics endlessly gush about making it last “all night long,” but for many men, all sex is a “quickie.” Sex therapists spend a good deal of their time urging men to slow down, then slow down some more, and appreciate sex as an extension of whole-body mutual massage.  Singer-songwriter Michelle Shocked put it well: “If love is a train, I think I’ll ride me a slow one.  I want to ride right through the night making every stop.”   

When men drop the wham-bam attitude and begin to appreciate the pleasure potential of such secret pleasure spots as their calves, shoulders, chests, and ear lobes—along with everyplace else—some amazing things begin to happen.  Women start to enjoy lovemaking because they’re getting what they wanted all along—creative, non-mechanical, whole-body intimate sharing.  And because lovemaking unfolds more slowly, there’s plenty of time for women to become truly aroused and take some sexual initiative.

A more sensual style of lovemaking is also a major ingredient in sex therapy for many male sex problems.  When men adopt the sensual lovemaking style most women prefer, they find it much easier to learn voluntary control over ejaculation.  Many erection problems clear up.  And those who have difficulty ejaculating are more likely to enjoy release.

Men should heed women’s sexual wisdom. They should slow down, forget genital preoccupation, and learn to appreciate leisurely, playful, whole-body sensuality. When men make love the way women prefer, men have fewer sex problems, women enjoy sex more, and both men and women feel more loving toward one another and more erotically fulfilled.

References:

Miller, AS and ES Byers. “Actual and Desired Duration of Foreplay and Intercourse: Discordance and Misperceptions in Heterosexual Couples,” Journal of Sex Research (2004) 41:301.

Mohn, T. “The Spa Experience as Tuneup: Reports Discover That Men and Women See Massage Differently,” New York Times, 5-31-2005.

NewScientist.com. “Scientists Reveal the Secret of Cuddles.” 7-28-2002.

Responses

  • DaveA says:

    I love to snuggle, rub and generally be that type of lover that women crave but it REALLY turns me off. Or, to be more accurate, it puts me in a great but very non sexual mood. Like I said, I love that warm fuzzy stuff but if sex is to the right, then being sensual is to my left. Give me a huge dose of viagra and I can fake it, but sex rarely happens if I head down that road.

    Part of the problem is that there is no balance or reciprocation and by reciprocation I mean doing things that I personally like that aren’t sensual. I’ve tried and tried to get my wife to trade favors so to speak. If we have long sensual foreplay, then ramp up to erotic/male styles of sex so that I can enjoy it and feel as though my needs are equally important.

    Conversely, times where sex started hot, erotic and a little on the kinky side, I have naturally flowed into sensual sex about half way through. I’m sure it’s oxytocin and serotonin that makes me want to be sensual.

    I have one other peculiarity. I have a very hard time kissing without deep arousal. I can peck an ‘I love you’ kiss on the way to work without issue, but to make out, I have to be very into the arousal state. I’ve been that way since I can remember. It was easier in my 20’s since that state of arousal happens from breathing at that age 🙂

    I’ve tried negotiating with my wife for some compromises but most things in our life have to either be her way or she sort of bails. Asking for compromise or adjustments to behavior are met with anger. She is diagnosed with ADD and I would not be surprised if there weren’t some ODD involved. Something isn’t quite right, whatever it is.

    Back to my point and a question…

    So, if I REALLY like that full body foreplay but it just doesn’t lead to sex without some refocus back on more base sex focus, how do I ever get sex while still giving that to my wife? She’s tried to initiate with backrubs and while they are nirvana, they have zero arousal effect on me.

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