Free Q&A Archive

Both my girlfriend and I are 21 and we started dating about 8 months ago. We’re both each other’s firsts and are somewhat new to sex. Additionally, we don’t get to have sex very often at the moment, since for the time being we aren’t living close together, due to school and work schedules currently.

I asked her not too long ago if I’ve ever been able to make her orgasm, and she told me no. It made me feel really inadequate, especially since I see, hear, and read all over the internet and people talking about how other women are able to be satisfied by their partner, and I know she can get to that point on her own. We had a discussion about it, where I told her that it’s important to me for her to feel satisfied as well in our sexual relationship, and she also told me that she puts pressure on herself to make me feel like I’m doing things well. It was a hard conversation to have and I felt bad about myself for making her feel like she needed to put pressure on herself like that, when it’s the last thing I want her to feel, I just want her to enjoy it (which she says she does). During this conversation, I also asked her if she could teach me, or show me, what she likes so I can learn more about her. She told me “I tried”, and I thought that maybe she has given up on me ever getting better for her, although I realize now that it was probably just bad wording and she didn’t mean it in that way. I met up with her over a recent weekend, and we had another conversation about making things as good as possible for each other, and this one went better because we both agreed that we were both just new to this and just need to learn a little bit and maintain communication with one another (but really, how long can we consider ourselves new to sex?). She said she appreciates me asking her every time how it was, and asking to learn more about her, and she says that not all men would likely be that considerate and caring on this subject. However, I forgot to bring up her telling me that “she tried”, so I brought it up again on a video call a couple of days later, just wanting to get it off my chest and clear my head to make sure she didn’t actually feel like there wasn’t any hope for improvement. Unfortunately, this conversation was a little bit more emotional as the topic of her putting pressure on herself came back, and I once again told her that no matter what she does, I’m always happy just to be with her regardless of how our sexual encounter goes. One thing that was brought up was that she said that sometimes, it’s hard to communicate about what feels good for her, and I felt awful for not realizing that sooner. I’m not a woman so I wouldn’t know the complexity behind these things. So that’s just something that has been bugging me really badly and makes me feel quite guilty, when all I want to do is help her feel satisfied, while also feeling like I’m inadequate because there are other men that seem to be able to do it with ease.

I’ve also been reading about lasting longer, getting better with my hands, and using my mouth as well. So far I haven’t had any luck, even though in recent times we don’t get to see each other often as I mentioned before, and haven’t had the most opportunity to try some of the things I learned from reading. I know I’m supposed to take my time with these things and let things build up for her, but sometimes she wants to move onto other things when I’m using my hand (which is the way she reaches orgasm herself), or when I use my mouth it doesn’t feel as good and again she wants to move on (even though from what I’ve read, I should use my moth for longer periods of time for everything to build up, usually, since that’s the way most women reportedly reach orgasm).

I know that one time, a while ago, I did get closer to making her orgasm with my hand, but I feel like I haven’t been able to get there since.

All in all, this makes me feel bad about myself and for her as well. I worry that if I can’t make her orgasm, she might wonder if there is something wrong with me, or why other men can make their partners orgasm while I haven’t been able to yet and she would need it from something or someone else?

So with all that context, here are my questions:
I know I’ve brought up the topic with her multiple times, what is the best way to move past this so that we can focus on relaxing and enjoying the process together? I feel that maybe I’ve brought it up too much and accidentally made her feel more pressured, when all I wanted to do was let her know how I was feeling and how much she matters to me. How can I help her feel less pressured? How can I build my sexual confidence and help her build hers? And finally, any advice on how I can improve my skills in the bedroom in general and make her reach orgasm?

Thanks very much in advance.

What are your thoughts regarding a man who cheats on his fiancée two months before the marriage because she was away (out of state), and he just had to have sex with a woman versus masturbation?

My daughter just informed us that she and her husband of 8 years have adopted the swinger lifestyle. They have two young girls ages 4 and 6. They have gotten involved with a couple, and it appears that they are evolving a deeper relationship with this couple… polyamory? Which brings up all kinds of concerns and anxiety about how this relationship will affect the rest of the family. We are planning on building a multi-generational home and we will live with with our daughter’s family in a separate part of the main house.

My questions, concerns, and anxieties arise because this new couple (they also have an 8 yo boy) are at my daughter’s home ALL THE TIME…spending the night. They haven’t gotten so far as to officially move in yet… The other couple’s 8 yo boy is aware that his mommy and daddy don’t always sleep in their beds in the guest room and wants to know why?

My granddaughters are aware that there is “something” more to the relationship between all these adults in their house. Unfortunately the other couple has parenting styles very different from our daughter’s and us, there is also a major difference in income levels of both couples. So I’m concerned about the affect on the children having another set of parents trying to parent them. We also notice that while the other couple is in the house ALL the kids get a lot less attention from their parents because the parents are all socializing with each other.

I don’t want to live in a house with this lifestyle that spills into the common areas of the house and affects us and our granddaughters. I can’t find any information or studies done on the affect swinging and polyamory have on the children of the adults involved and the rest of the extended family. If our daughter decides this will be an ongoing relationship with this other couple… how do we navigate this type of relationship? What do we need to be aware of? What are the red flags? How do you set boundaries? How does one navigate the disconnect between parenting styles and income resources in our families? What happens to the success rate and longevity of our daughter’s relationship/marriage with her husband?

I fear that my daughter and her husband are so focused on their own needs that they are missing attending to the children’s needs.

We don’t agree with this lifestyle, but also don’t want to alienate our adult children. I can’t find any info on how polyamory affects the rest of the family. Is there a support group for families of swingers/polyamory to discuss issues and family dynamics?

At age 63 I lost my bladder and associated organs to cancer [not my testicles or penis]. I can still have orgasms with sufficient oral and manual stimulation from my wife. I am now 80 y/o and she’s 77. She still orgasms with a vibrator, but is now hesitant to accept cunnilingus to achieve O. She used to accept oral but now doesn’t want to. She won’t say why. ANY THOUGHTS?

I am a 24 year old woman in anguish from a fetish wrapped up in trauma complexes. I want to be pregnant–badly. I truly want a man to knock me up. It would only take one pregnancy, especially since I like the prospect of erotic lactation. Unfortunately, it is very hard and can be unhealthy to go on Dom (a medication that helps with induction), and I would want the supply that induction does not have. Currently, I am not able to have children with my busy schedule, but I know there is a possibility of being infertile. How would I deal with that extra layer of infertility grief? How can I make peace with my sex life, my body, my shame, and give life my all if I can’t conceive?

Recently, I’ve been considering using a website or an app for people looking to hookup. I am a young male living in a college town and the idea of a committed relationship doesn’t hold much appeal to me yet, but casual sex does. I figure that with a website/app dedicated solely to hooking up (I’ve found a few), I could find some people with similar intentions, people who like sex but aren’t looking for anything long-term. Does this sound like a remotely good idea? What do you know about internet hookup culture? Are the potential pitfalls too great, or is there really a chance I could find what I’m looking for?

I am a 61-year-old heterosexual man with lot of desire for sex. I married and enjoyed sex as  a true heterosexual. Parallel to that,  over a period of time, I began liking handsome men, and mentally started enjoying virtual sex with them. In the process, on few occasions I even enjoyed homosexuality with few men. But of late, while still enjoying the heterosexual life, the desire to have sex with men I consider handsome has been growing, which is disturbing because I can not really go to them and have it. I am seeking your advise on this.

I recently read an article of yours in which you said it was OK for married men to masturbate. You compared it to giving up apple pie when discovering cherry pie. Why is the expectation of giving up masturbation not similar to the expectation of giving up sex with other women during marriage? Masturbation is having sex with one’s self with his/her fantasy in the head or the one displayed on the screen. I don’t have a problem with masturbation when it is openly agreed to in a marriage just as other extramarital sex. But to assume that it is no different than relaxing in bath is absurd. I do understand the hurt a woman experiences when a husband will watch porn, especially when a woman is open to have sex anytime and anyway with her husband, and yet he still wants ‘apple pie’. That is rejection.

HI stumbled on your website as I privately research this very frustrating issue. There is very little talk around men who are not interested in sex.

I am 61. My 2nd husband and I have been together for 21 years . We are both youthful in body. My first husband and I were very sexually charged as was all of my significant relationships before him. I tried something different..He is my best friend, loyal beyond belief etc..but sex…..nah. At the time I met him I was completely traumatized from my 1st marriage and this felt safe. 21 years later we are still best friends but I feel like I gave up excitement and chemistry for safety.

This topic is so taboo. He is completely unable to really dig as to why this is the case. He is definitely not gay and I have some theories on the “whys” but I do not want to be his therapist or mother. Finding a therapist/counselor for this who is older /experienced is impossible. We live in NY. If you can guide or give some insight or maybe even offer a session let me know.

Is it possible to control the intensity of sexual desire without using chemical medications?