My daughter just informed us that she and her husband of 8 years have adopted the swinger lifestyle. They have two young girls ages 4 and 6. They have gotten involved with a couple, and it appears that they are evolving a deeper relationship with this couple… polyamory? Which brings up all kinds of concerns and anxiety about how this relationship will affect the rest of the family. We are planning on building a multi-generational home and we will live with with our daughter’s family in a separate part of the main house.
My questions, concerns, and anxieties arise because this new couple (they also have an 8 yo boy) are at my daughter’s home ALL THE TIME…spending the night. They haven’t gotten so far as to officially move in yet… The other couple’s 8 yo boy is aware that his mommy and daddy don’t always sleep in their beds in the guest room and wants to know why?
My granddaughters are aware that there is “something” more to the relationship between all these adults in their house. Unfortunately the other couple has parenting styles very different from our daughter’s and us, there is also a major difference in income levels of both couples. So I’m concerned about the affect on the children having another set of parents trying to parent them. We also notice that while the other couple is in the house ALL the kids get a lot less attention from their parents because the parents are all socializing with each other.
I don’t want to live in a house with this lifestyle that spills into the common areas of the house and affects us and our granddaughters. I can’t find any information or studies done on the affect swinging and polyamory have on the children of the adults involved and the rest of the extended family. If our daughter decides this will be an ongoing relationship with this other couple… how do we navigate this type of relationship? What do we need to be aware of? What are the red flags? How do you set boundaries? How does one navigate the disconnect between parenting styles and income resources in our families? What happens to the success rate and longevity of our daughter’s relationship/marriage with her husband?
I fear that my daughter and her husband are so focused on their own needs that they are missing attending to the children’s needs.
We don’t agree with this lifestyle, but also don’t want to alienate our adult children. I can’t find any info on how polyamory affects the rest of the family. Is there a support group for families of swingers/polyamory to discuss issues and family dynamics?
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First, it’s important to distinguish between swinging and polyamory. Swinging is focused on sex—doing it with other couples or in groups. Polyamory may include partner-swapping, but it’s more focused on emotional intimacy and conversation. In sex circles, people joke that swingers get sore genitals, while poly people talk so much about processing their many relationships that they get sore throats. Ask yourself what concerns you more—your daughter and son-in-law having unconventional sex, or their emotional intimacy with this other couple.
I have adult children. I try hard to respect their decisions, even when I disagree with them. My value is to preserve reasonably good feelings in our family. It sounds like you feel similarly. But the questions you raise are legitimate, especially since you’re thinking of building a house with everyone under the same roof or close to it. I suggest you consider some sessions of family therapy for you, your husband, daughter and son-in-law. I suggest you pitch them by saying: We’re trying to be supportive. We’re trying to understand your lifestyle shift. But we have questions and concerns probably best discussed with a therapist/moderator.
The research I’m aware of suggests that the children of swinger/poly people are not significantly different from other kids, just like the children of gay couples. Of course, those findings are based on studies of large groups of people, not individual families. Having swing/poly parents might have some adverse impact on your grandchildren, but nowhere near as much as having parents who are alcoholic or abusive.
Finally, some people get involved in swinging/poly and stick with it for decades. But for most, it’s a passing interest. So your daughter’s explorations may or may not imply any longterm commitment to alternative lifestyle.
I hope your daughter and son-in-law agree to talk with you in family therapy. The air needs to be cleared, and a professional moderator can help.