Seniors in bed

My wife was brought up very conservatively. When we met, we didn’t talk much about sex. She  thought that anything other than vanilla, missionary sex was wrong, and early in our relationship, didn’t even want any foreplay or lube.

However, over the years, as our relationship has grown, we have gradually introduced new things into our sex life and now have a great marriage and good sex. But I have always kind of had to guess what she really wants in bed. When I ask, she just says that what we’re doing now is o.k. We have lots of foreplay, occasionally use sex toys, enjoy intercourse in different positions, and my wife loves it when I give her oral. She prefers sex from behind so that I can reach around and stimulate her clitoris.

Last night I was stimulating her clit and she put my penis between her butt cheeks, I was thrusting gently and she was enjoying it and obviously getting very moist inside. Then she said , “Oh I’m very nervous. Shall we use some lube.” So I applied some lube to her and to myself. At this point I assumed she wanted to try anal sex. So we continued as before and gradually I worked my penis towards her anus. She liked it and was getting excited, but then when I entered her she said, “I’m not interested in anything like that.” So I pulled out and we stopped.

I had a completely sleepless night last night. I really don’t know what to do. I can’t work out if I merely misread the situation, which is what I told my wife last night, or if she wanted anal but then didn’t like it, or if she is playing some kind of game with me. I take no as no but I am kind of lost as to how to progress. Help please.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    In the best of all possible worlds, you and your wife would sit down and discuss her level of interest in anal play. Unfortunately, this is not the best world and from what you say, she’s unlikely to feel open to discussing the nitty gritty of sex, especially something out of the ordinary like anal.

    Here’s what I suggest: First, read my article, Anal Play—Without Pain. It should provide all the background you need to experiment with her back door in mutual comfort and love. When the subject of anal sex comes up, most people assume it involves penis-anus intercourse. Actually, that’s the LEAST popular form of anal play. Most people who play this way limit themselves to outer anal sphincter massage or shallow fingering. And among those who proceed to anal intercourse, most get there slowly over a good deal of time starting with sphincter massage and fingering.

    My advice: Lube a finger and see how she feels about gentle sphincter massage with no insertion at all. The outer anal sphincter is filled with touch-sensitive nerves and many people who don’t care for insertive anal play enjoy gentle outer sphincter massage.

    If she’s okay with that, after several months, you might try gently inserting a finger about half an inch until you reach her inner sphincter. Compared with the outer, the inner one is harder to relax, and pushing through it often causes sharp pain that turns people off to anal play, so approach her inner sphincter but don’t push through it for at least several more months until she’s comfortable with shallow fingering. She may never become comfortable with shallow fingering, and if she does, she may never feel comfortable with fingering that crosses her inner sphincter. Nonetheless, you both may enjoy great pleasure from outer sphincter massage and possibly shallow fingering. You might also try oral-anal play (rimming, analingus)—read my article.

    Down the road, like after a year or more of outer opening massage, analingus, and shallow fingering, she might possibly feel open to deeper fingering or insertion of a small butt plug. And if she’s into that, then after a while, you might try penis-anal intercourse.

    But as I mentioned, even among those enthusiastic about anal play, anal intercourse is not very popular (except in porn, which is fantasy). Most people limit themselves to well lubed outer sphincter massage and shallow fingering. My article on anal play provides more information and advice. Hope it helps.

  • JeremyZ says:

    I didn’t know there was an inner sphincter too. I also have had fantasies of giving or receiving it in the anus, but the idea of a full-sized dildo in there is sometimes a turn-off because, well, it’s just too big. But the erotic vulnerability of it still has an appeal. I like the idea of a very shallow (short) strap-on, and the notion that only the outer sphincter can be involved is very appealing.

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