I love my husband and I love sex. But after 17 years of marriage, he does not want to try anything different. I’m frustrated. I would love to have him finger me anally and maybe do more back there, but my husband won’t try anal. Is something wrong with me? With him?

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    No. Nothing is wrong with either of you. You just have different sexual tastes.

    If he’s totally opposed to trying anal play, that’s his right. No one should ever feel pressured into being sexual in ways that turn them off. If that’s the case, then I suggest that you experiment with solo anal play. You can finger your own anus. You can also insert butt plugs, anal beads, or an anal vibrator. (Be sure to use lots of lube.)

    But if you want HIM to anally finger you, then it sounds like you have to sell the idea. First, I suggest you read the article, “You Want to Try WHAT?! How to Introduce Sexual Experimentation.” It contains several suggestions you might find useful.

    Many people object to anal play because they consider it dirty. Perhaps your husband would feel more open to anal play if you showered together beforehand and he saw you wash yourself thoroughly with soap and water. With good washing, the anal area is as clean as any other well washed part of the body. I suggest you read Anal Play Without Pain and Rimming (Analingus): The Curious Couples’ Guide to Oral-Anal Contact. They contain extensive discussions of anal hygiene.

    Finally, have you been specific? If you asked him to try “anal sex,” many people assume that means penis-anus intercourse. It might, but there are many types of anal play. In fact, studies show that penis-anus intercourse is the LEAST popular type of anal sex. Most couples limit themselves to finger massage of the sphincter without insertion, or fingering, or insertion of a small object other than a finger, for example, a mini-butt plug. (Use lots of lubricant.) Sphincter massage is typically the most accessible type of anal play. Perhaps he’s open to that. Good luck.

  • ray says:

    You’re every mans dream……….

  • Kelli2 says:

    Similar problem here. Once in a big while he will finger my ass, but that’s it. My ex-husband and I engaged in a lot of anal intercourse and I miss it, but my current husband will have nothing to do with it. After 15 years, though, I don’t think it is going to happen. Just good to know I am not the only woman who feels this way.

  • Michael Castleman says:

    Kelli2: Just a thought. Have you considered inserting a small butt plug before sex with your husband? That way, you’d get the anal play you want, but he wouldn’t have to provide it. Of course, that’s not the same as having one’s lover play with you anally, but half a loaf might feel better than none.

  • Amy says:

    I sure wish I had some of the problems mentioned here.
    Husband and I hadn’t had sex, love, intimacy in 45 years. The only sex we had was on our wedding night. Before we were married everything was great, back then sex before marriage was a no-no. I think he hid the fact that sex wasn’t his thing, and sex the one time was it. The day after our wedding he went right back to work on the midnight shift and moved all of his things down to the basement. I asked what kind of married life are we going to lead. He told me to deal with it, he wanted nothing to do with me and he told me so, sex was stupid, way to much work and totally disgusting and messy. I said I wanted kids, love and affection, and again he said not with me. Go find some one who will have kids with you, but make sure he supports them, I’m not. Shortly there after I found out he got himself fixed. Its been a lonely, depression filled, unloved, unwanted life. I dislike the word hate but I know what it means now. I keep hoping some morning I won’t wake up and it will be all over.

  • Michael Castleman says:

    I’m so sorry you’ve had to contend with this situation. I’m surprised you didn’t mention trying couples counseling … or divorce. I’m also concerned about your final comment. It sounds suicidal. I urge you to consider psychotherapy, and possibly even 911.

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