Mr. Castleman, I was reading an article you wrote in 2012. In it, you stated that the submissive is in charge of a D/s dynamic. This is a common misconception, and for those of us that live this lifestyle every day, we see it as a way for some to manipulate others. A power exchange is exactly that: an exchange. D/s dynamics are 50/50. The Dominant also has limits which they will not pass, and they also have safe words. Total power exchange relinquishes all control from the submissive to the Dominant, leaving the submissive with no control. This isn’t done with malcontent, but through a rigorous vetting process. I don’t refute that submissive have limits and boundaries, but they are not completely in charge. I am open to any and all questions you may have on the subject.

A submissive

Does a thicker penis mean that a female would have greater sexual satisfaction? I know that too thick can hurt, but a good amount of girth – would that make them orgasm quicker or harder? Do you have any articles I could read?

I’m 36 years old, a mom of 3 kids, a boy 15 years old and twins born in 2017. My sex life makes me feel very sad.

My childhood was horrible. When I was 5 years old, I was sleeping over night at my grandmother’s house. They had a neighbor with 2 sisters a few years older than me, like 9-10 years old. While I was sleeping, one of them ran her hands under my covers and she touched me. I was scared and sweating and crying but didn’t scream or anything that would  wake up my grandma. I was scared to tell my parents.

After that, when I was 13 years old, we had a visit from my dad’s relatives. I remember this very old relative. He sat beside me and without anybody seeing, he touched me between the legs. He was smiling but I felt so stressed and scared I didn’t know what to do. I was thinking maybe it’s my fault.

At 19, I married. My husband was my first lover. Sex with him our first night after our big wedding I thought would be so beautiful and romantic. But he hit me during sex and left me crying. I didn’t know why he did that or what I should do. After 13 years marriage he cheated on me with his cousin and I divorced him. I was shattered and tried to kill myself.

A few years later, in 2015 I remarried. We had amazing sex our first year, but since I got pregnant with twins I haven’t had sexual feelings anymore. I’m very angry and sad. Very often I feel like I must be doing something wrong when I have sex. I’m acting like a I cum with him and I enjoy it but for real I’m not enjoying it and don’t cum. I’m always worried that he’s cheating on me, or taht maybe he don’t want me. I have so much worry in my head and it won’t let me enjoy my sex with him. I fell very unhappy and sad.

I have never ever talked about this with anyone before. Can you help me?

I have no question, but I just about fell out of my chair when about a week ago my wife asked me if I’d like to have sex as a birthday present. She is 67 and I am turning 75. The last time we had anything resembling sex was about 3 or 4 years ago. We do some cuddling in bed (a lot less than I’d like) and daily “I love you” smooches. We are pretty good pals, but I have had to find other sexual outlets because to me it’s still a “need.” It is one of my very few sources of “pleasure.” I have two “sexual outlets,” but recently it’s down to one, probably temporarily, and the one I can still do has become much less often, also hopefully temporarily. So to have her propose this is a super-welcome surprise. Forgive my skepticism but I will also be surprised (and elated!) if she likes it and wants to do it again, hopefully weekly, but even if it’s much less often.
I have some idea what she wants me to do – we had quite a few years of the hottest sex that I had had with any of my sex partners – but I plan to ask her what the one or two or three things that she expects or desires for us to do or me to do. But in the meantime, why not look around the internet for suggestions for what to do to, or do with a postmenopausal woman sexually so she’ll want to do it again. A lotta information there and some of it useful but much of it just not helpful to me. I ran across your “cougars & cubs” piece from last January and so far it is the only article that gave me useful info, even practical info! I’m no ‘cub’ but that was the only treatment of my “older woman problem” that helped with my confidence.

Thank You!

I now see that this turned out to be a little long winded – sorry! – and

Kudos to You, thank you!


Two years ago, I accidentally discovered my husband’s porn addiction and my life has never been the same since. It brought tremendous amount of pain and anger. Before that discovery we were having sex 5 or 6 times a year, 80% of the time he would reject me. We’ve been married for 8 years, the first couple of years were better in terms of sex, more like twice a month. I just thought he didn’t have the same sex drive as me and I’ve eccepted it, because he’s an amazing man and has so many qualities I’ve been looking for in a man. This is my second marriage. He is in his early fifties and I’m in my early forties right now, I take care of myself, open minded in bed, sexy lingerie etc., and been told many times that I’m a beautiful woman. In my first marriage, we stopped having sex for our last year together because I didn’t want to have sex with him (different issues), and I know that he turned to porn because of it, which is completely understandable. That’s why it was such a shock to me to find out that my current husband chose porn and jerking off over having sex with me most of the time because I’m always willing and almost always initiate sex, and never have headaches. I was deeply hurt and confused. We didn’t have any issues in our marriage and there is not even a comparison to my first marriage. He told me that he’s never had a woman like me before and that he’s so lucky to have me as a wife. Before my discovery half of the time when we were having sex he would lose his erection and I never made him feel bad about it. Maybe that’s why he would choose porn because there was no shame of losing erection and not satisfying his woman. I wish he talked to me about it before I found it out for myself. But when I realized that all those times when he rejected me, it’s because he already satisfied himself, just devastated me. He was watching porn every day apparently. It took me few months to confront him, I let him know how rejection made me feel and that choosing porn and jerking off over having sex with me wasn’t okay. After that things got better. We started having sex every week. I know he takes medication for erection, he doesn’t know that I know and I’m not planning to tell him that. I know he still watches porn, I know it’s impossible for him to stop and I’m not asking him because it’s not realistic, I just want this pain to go away every time I know what he’s been up to. I’ve done so much research, I even consulted with different sex therapists. I’m working hard every day to accept this situation, to be okay with it, to not bother me so much. I just want to go back to that happy place before my discovery. I know he’s changed, I know he realized how much he’s hurt me, he is doing his best, I know it’s very hard to get rid off his porn addiction, which he’s never admitted it was a problem for him or maybe he really feels that it’s not a problem…) and I’m trying really hard to be understanding and accepting of this situation. I can’t really talk to him about it because he doesn’t know that I know what he’s up to and it will create a huge fight and distrust on his part. It’s been two years and I can say that I’ve done a good progress with my feelings, I don’t cry everyday and I don’t feel disgusted with him every time he watches porn. I love this man and want to save this marriage. I really hope you can give me advice on how to ignore his addiction, how to understand him better and how to become happy again.

Is it normal to appreciate a submissive disposition in oneself? To the point of seriously wanting to be topped by a domme, complete with pegging and other belittling experiences? I have never done this, yet, though I’ve allowed penetration of my anus by both sexes but I prefer females, either hands or strap on. How do I go about seeking a fem-dom without going pro. Because I want it to be real, and genuinely want to serve HER.

I have had to rely on porn for most of a 24 year marriage that has recently ended. I am gay and now in a polyamorous relationship with a gay couple. I can usually get an erection at the beginning of sex but it goes away and is difficult to regain. During porn watching this is usually a non- issue. I’m told this is anxiety-based which I agree with. What can I do to regain my sex life with my partners?

When I was young, like pre-k, my favorite toy was attached to me: my vulva. My hand or hands played with it whenever it was easily accessible, bath time, bed time, or nap time. I also grinded against, or humped many things: monkey bars, sofa arm rests, or my favorite: the car sear belt buckle.

It wasn’t until I started school that my mom stopped ignoring this activity and aggresively began to teach me that I really shouldn’t be playing with my favorite toy unless I was totally alone and by myself.

But throughout my childhood I continued to play and explore my vulva whenever I could.

When I was nineteen, I started to view my masturbation as childish and immature. I believed that adults shouldn’t do this and instead should be getting married and having real sex. I promised myself that by my twentieth birthday I would never masturbate again. I remember the week before turning twenty that I started doing it like five times a day because in a few days I was determined to quit. And then I suddenly did quit, although I didn’t fully stop maybe till I was twenty-three.

Now, some twenty years later, I am in my forties, and last month when I was on a walk to the park by the lake I sat down on a bench to read my book.

Across from me is a mom and her 4 year old daughter sitting on the park bench across from me. Then another woman walks by and coincidentally they both know each other but haven’t seen each other in a long time. The mom stands up to greet her friend and they both start looking at pictures on their phones and sharing stories.

Meanwhile, the young four year old now gets bored, and changes her sitting position. She sits more at the front edge of the bench and leans her waist forwards with her back arched backwards. She then spread her legs apart, and started to rub her vulva with her hands. I continued to read my book, but I could no longer concentrate on it. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The girl got really involved in what she was doing. Her hands kept rubbing while her hips and legs and toes grew stiff.

I tried to read more of my book but couldn’t concentrate because my clit was throbbing, and it felt like my vulva was going to burst!

Then after a few minutes the mom called her daughter because they were leaving now. Her daughter quickly stood up, but cupped her vulva with one of her hands while walking towards her. Her mom asked, “do you have to pee?” She said “no.” “Then hands off,” I heard her say as she grabbed her daughter’s hand and walked away with her.

At this point, my clit was throbbing, and I had a strong urge to play with it again. I jogged back to my home as fast as I could. As soon as I locked the housedoor, I immediately threw my clothes off and started giving my vulva some much needed attention.

But after I finished and felt relief, I instantly felt gross and disgusting like I did something wrong.

And to make things worse, one hour later the cravings and urges came back that I did it all over again.

Pretty much since that day last month, I am getting urges to masturbate constantly. I am doing it like 4 times a day now, and I always feel gross after. What’s more, I can’t even seem to be able to fall asleep either without masturbating. I will toss and turn in bed, but until I give myself an orgasm sleep is not going to come to me.

Am I addicted to masturbation? And is noticing a young child innocently pleasuring themselves in public normally cause such a reaction from an adult?

I want to talk to my mom. I want to find out if my masturbation as a child ever caused her to feel this way, but I have no idea how to even bring it up and if I even should.

But now I also feel gross about it and anxious about it. Most of the time as a child and teenager I couldn’t sleep without masturbating, but it didn’t bother me then, but now it does.

I feel a lot of anxiety now about being a grown woman but acting like a little two year old that can’t get her hands off of her vulva.

Everyone knows how to define losing one’s heterosexual virginity, but what about gay men? What actually constitutes giving up one’s V card? And please don’t say “anal” because I know plenty of gay men who don’t engage in anal sex and wouldn’t consider themselves still virgins. What about lesbians? Is there a defining act that the community considers the “one”?