Free Q&A Archive

I am a 61-year-old heterosexual man with lot of desire for sex. I married and enjoyed sex as  a true heterosexual. Parallel to that,  over a period of time, I began liking handsome men, and mentally started enjoying virtual sex with them. In the process, on few occasions I even enjoyed homosexuality with few men. But of late, while still enjoying the heterosexual life, the desire to have sex with men I consider handsome has been growing, which is disturbing because I can not really go to them and have it. I am seeking your advise on this.

I recently read an article of yours in which you said it was OK for married men to masturbate. You compared it to giving up apple pie when discovering cherry pie. Why is the expectation of giving up masturbation not similar to the expectation of giving up sex with other women during marriage? Masturbation is having sex with one’s self with his/her fantasy in the head or the one displayed on the screen. I don’t have a problem with masturbation when it is openly agreed to in a marriage just as other extramarital sex. But to assume that it is no different than relaxing in bath is absurd. I do understand the hurt a woman experiences when a husband will watch porn, especially when a woman is open to have sex anytime and anyway with her husband, and yet he still wants ‘apple pie’. That is rejection.

HI stumbled on your website as I privately research this very frustrating issue. There is very little talk around men who are not interested in sex.

I am 61. My 2nd husband and I have been together for 21 years . We are both youthful in body. My first husband and I were very sexually charged as was all of my significant relationships before him. I tried something different..He is my best friend, loyal beyond belief etc..but sex…..nah. At the time I met him I was completely traumatized from my 1st marriage and this felt safe. 21 years later we are still best friends but I feel like I gave up excitement and chemistry for safety.

This topic is so taboo. He is completely unable to really dig as to why this is the case. He is definitely not gay and I have some theories on the “whys” but I do not want to be his therapist or mother. Finding a therapist/counselor for this who is older /experienced is impossible. We live in NY. If you can guide or give some insight or maybe even offer a session let me know.

Is it possible to control the intensity of sexual desire without using chemical medications?

Hi Mike ,
Thank you for taking the time🙂 I am in a relationship that is more than friends w/benefits but less than an “I love you” couple. In our very early 50’s. I am a plus size woman, pear shaped@240. He loves my body and never sees an imperfection, even tho I do. I worry about crushing him and he is by no means heavy nor chunky. All muscle and about a head taller than I. Tells me never will I hurt him and I am beautiful.
However, I am not opposed to doggie style but only every once in awhile. It just seems so impersonal even tho he does a lot to make it not seem that way. I have ridden on top both frontwards and backwards. We 69 as our favorite and foreplay. Missionary, him lifting one leg or both over my head, spread and hold feet apart and same with knees., sitting on him on couch, chair frontwards n backwards, in shower, against wall front n backwards too. He thinks I’m hot in every way and will never tire of me, he’s told me many times!.Neither of us are into toys at all, sex games, bdsm., and no food. We just enjoy each other immensely. He wants and does give me many orgasms before he’ll let himself let go. Makes it all about me which no other guy have ever done!
I’ve looked up positions that work for my big shape. I am asking for more ideas, please. I won your book. Thank you so much! Interesting! But need help if you can. No, we do not live together, he started working midnights recently. We’re trying o get used to it. So it’s been a little while since our last intimacy. And I’d really like to surprise him when next we can be together.
Thank you so much! I highly appreciate it! I hope you can get back to me soon. If not, of course it’s ok🙂 Just need help!!

I’m a 46-year-old heterosexual man. I met my ex-wife when I was 19. We were together for 24 years, married for 20. We were sexually active with one another throughout the first 19 years. We grew sexually together while exploring on different things we liked, both as givers and receivers.

There was something in our relationship that always disturbed me. She was sexually abused as a child. I was immature and thought I could be her knight in shining armor and save her. So, everything I did in the marriage was so she didn’t trip and stumble. With the mindset of, “If I kept her side of the street clean for her, then my life would be easier.” Boy was I wrong. That turned into a 20-year mess.

Our struggles left left me emotionally bankrupt and physically exhausted. I developed erectile dysfunction. That happened 10 years ago when I was 35.

I want to share something very intimate with you. I am now diving in deep inside myself in an effort to heal and to try and win back my manhood and sexuality.

One night 8 or 9 years ago, my ex-wife and I were “fooling around.” She grabbed my erection and stroked it. In that moment, she got REALLY turned on and aroused, and squeezed my shaft as hard as she could. To me, it felt like ALL the blood in my penis was forced to the tip and I thought I was going to look down and see blood oozing out of the pores on the head of my penis. In short, it hurt like hell. I pulled back and said, “What the hell was that for?” She replied, “Oh, suck it up,” all nonchalant. I brought it to her attention one other time (a few years later) and I got  the same response: “Stop being a baby.”

Well, I’m now 8 or 10 years past that incident and have struggled with erectile dysfunction through my late 30’s and 40’s to the point where I lost my morning erections as well.

My urologist prescribed Cialis, which worked, but I want to TRULY heal whatever the issue is. I can’t figure out if it’s mental, physical or both.

We’ve been divorced now for 3.5 years. I should mention that I’ve been sober for 5 years as well. About 8 months ago I eliminated caffeine from my diet. I also stopped the  Cialis.

I’m 5’11” and 175 lbs. I’m active. I walk, run, jog, hike, surf, ride my bike, play volleyball, tennis, ride motocross dirt bikes in the woods, and swim. Not all in one day, but lots of exercise every week.

I have been taking nitric oxide and citrulline supplements along with Vitamin B6, B12, C, Zinc, E, Red Yeast to take the place of the statin I was taking, grape seed and beet root supplements for blood flow and heart health. Low and behold, I am now waking up with morning erections consistently…and they’re good hard erections. I’m super happy to be on my way.

I have found a new companion who I absolutely adore. We are building something beautiful and taking our time doing so. In our sexual encounters I have not been able to get erections since I’ve been off Cialis, except twice, but those two were really weak and premature ejaculation occurred both times.

Long story short, I am desperate to heal. My girlfriend has been super-patient and I take the time to get her off every time now…so, that’s been a positive. And, my erections are not about me cumming and getting off.We want to be completely available for one another. We want her to please me in the same way I please her. It’s about making love. At 46, I realize that making love may not involve intercourse…but, I’d like that option back.

I’m wondering if there is some sexual trauma that I have buried deep inside me. Or, if my manhood was somehow stripped away when I was married those 20 years.

Does any of this make any sense? Do you have any advice for a 46-year-old healthy male who desires intimacy and connection over every other passion in his life?

Recently I asked you about sharing my wife with another man. You may recall that she was very hesitant. You suggested that I ask if she might be OK doing ANYTHING with another man. I followed your advice and she agreed to be massaged by a male friend while I watched. She agreed, and it was amazing! aA I suspected, she couldn’t resist getting into it. He massaged her all over, and with her permission, worked his way up to giving her an erotic massage. He stroked her clit, ate her pussy, and even rimmed her ass. He asked her to use a G-Spot vibe, and she ended up coming. Being the giving person she is, she returned the favor and sucked his cock, massaged his balls, and stroked him until he came in her hands. But she would not fuck or swallow. I think she will fuck next time. We have been talking about it. We have also been talking about possibly a double penetration for next time, and want to know any advice you may have about doing this properly. It seems the rhythm might be an issue. Also, I really want to fuck her ass being that she is my wife, but should I allow the other to fuck her ass too and we can both take turns fucking her tight ass or should we take it slower? Thanks again and I look forward to your advice!

Sometimes I want sex intensely, and my wife stops me without any reason. Is there a specific area to touch or specific action I might take, for example sucking on her breasts, that can arouse her FAST so that she allows me?

When I don’t use lube, I come quickly. So I like to use it. But my wife doesn’t like lube. What should I do?

Hi! I hope my question isn’t too much of a party pooper, but what do you think about rape fantasies “normalizing” rape as a sexual and not a violent act? I can see how, and so I would appreciate your thoughts on it. Thank you in advance—you rock!