Free Q&A Archive

My daughter just informed us that she and her husband of 8 years have adopted the swinger lifestyle. They have two young girls ages 4 and 6. They have gotten involved with a couple, and it appears that they are evolving a deeper relationship with this couple… polyamory? Which brings up all kinds of concerns and anxiety about how this relationship will affect the rest of the family. We are planning on building a multi-generational home and we will live with with our daughter’s family in a separate part of the main house.

My questions, concerns, and anxieties arise because this new couple (they also have an 8 yo boy) are at my daughter’s home ALL THE TIME…spending the night. They haven’t gotten so far as to officially move in yet… The other couple’s 8 yo boy is aware that his mommy and daddy don’t always sleep in their beds in the guest room and wants to know why?

My granddaughters are aware that there is “something” more to the relationship between all these adults in their house. Unfortunately the other couple has parenting styles very different from our daughter’s and us, there is also a major difference in income levels of both couples. So I’m concerned about the affect on the children having another set of parents trying to parent them. We also notice that while the other couple is in the house ALL the kids get a lot less attention from their parents because the parents are all socializing with each other.

I don’t want to live in a house with this lifestyle that spills into the common areas of the house and affects us and our granddaughters. I can’t find any information or studies done on the affect swinging and polyamory have on the children of the adults involved and the rest of the extended family. If our daughter decides this will be an ongoing relationship with this other couple… how do we navigate this type of relationship? What do we need to be aware of? What are the red flags? How do you set boundaries? How does one navigate the disconnect between parenting styles and income resources in our families? What happens to the success rate and longevity of our daughter’s relationship/marriage with her husband?

I fear that my daughter and her husband are so focused on their own needs that they are missing attending to the children’s needs.

We don’t agree with this lifestyle, but also don’t want to alienate our adult children. I can’t find any info on how polyamory affects the rest of the family. Is there a support group for families of swingers/polyamory to discuss issues and family dynamics?

At age 63 I lost my bladder and associated organs to cancer [not my testicles or penis]. I can still have orgasms with sufficient oral and manual stimulation from my wife. I am now 80 y/o and she’s 77. She still orgasms with a vibrator, but is now hesitant to accept cunnilingus to achieve O. She used to accept oral but now doesn’t want to. She won’t say why. ANY THOUGHTS?

I am a 24 year old woman in anguish from a fetish wrapped up in trauma complexes. I want to be pregnant–badly. I truly want a man to knock me up. It would only take one pregnancy, especially since I like the prospect of erotic lactation. Unfortunately, it is very hard and can be unhealthy to go on Dom (a medication that helps with induction), and I would want the supply that induction does not have. Currently, I am not able to have children with my busy schedule, but I know there is a possibility of being infertile. How would I deal with that extra layer of infertility grief? How can I make peace with my sex life, my body, my shame, and give life my all if I can’t conceive?

Recently, I’ve been considering using a website or an app for people looking to hookup. I am a young male living in a college town and the idea of a committed relationship doesn’t hold much appeal to me yet, but casual sex does. I figure that with a website/app dedicated solely to hooking up (I’ve found a few), I could find some people with similar intentions, people who like sex but aren’t looking for anything long-term. Does this sound like a remotely good idea? What do you know about internet hookup culture? Are the potential pitfalls too great, or is there really a chance I could find what I’m looking for?

I am a 61-year-old heterosexual man with lot of desire for sex. I married and enjoyed sex as  a true heterosexual. Parallel to that,  over a period of time, I began liking handsome men, and mentally started enjoying virtual sex with them. In the process, on few occasions I even enjoyed homosexuality with few men. But of late, while still enjoying the heterosexual life, the desire to have sex with men I consider handsome has been growing, which is disturbing because I can not really go to them and have it. I am seeking your advise on this.

I recently read an article of yours in which you said it was OK for married men to masturbate. You compared it to giving up apple pie when discovering cherry pie. Why is the expectation of giving up masturbation not similar to the expectation of giving up sex with other women during marriage? Masturbation is having sex with one’s self with his/her fantasy in the head or the one displayed on the screen. I don’t have a problem with masturbation when it is openly agreed to in a marriage just as other extramarital sex. But to assume that it is no different than relaxing in bath is absurd. I do understand the hurt a woman experiences when a husband will watch porn, especially when a woman is open to have sex anytime and anyway with her husband, and yet he still wants ‘apple pie’. That is rejection.

HI stumbled on your website as I privately research this very frustrating issue. There is very little talk around men who are not interested in sex.

I am 61. My 2nd husband and I have been together for 21 years . We are both youthful in body. My first husband and I were very sexually charged as was all of my significant relationships before him. I tried something different..He is my best friend, loyal beyond belief etc..but sex…..nah. At the time I met him I was completely traumatized from my 1st marriage and this felt safe. 21 years later we are still best friends but I feel like I gave up excitement and chemistry for safety.

This topic is so taboo. He is completely unable to really dig as to why this is the case. He is definitely not gay and I have some theories on the “whys” but I do not want to be his therapist or mother. Finding a therapist/counselor for this who is older /experienced is impossible. We live in NY. If you can guide or give some insight or maybe even offer a session let me know.

Is it possible to control the intensity of sexual desire without using chemical medications?

Hi Mike ,
Thank you for taking the time🙂 I am in a relationship that is more than friends w/benefits but less than an “I love you” couple. In our very early 50’s. I am a plus size woman, pear shaped@240. He loves my body and never sees an imperfection, even tho I do. I worry about crushing him and he is by no means heavy nor chunky. All muscle and about a head taller than I. Tells me never will I hurt him and I am beautiful.
However, I am not opposed to doggie style but only every once in awhile. It just seems so impersonal even tho he does a lot to make it not seem that way. I have ridden on top both frontwards and backwards. We 69 as our favorite and foreplay. Missionary, him lifting one leg or both over my head, spread and hold feet apart and same with knees., sitting on him on couch, chair frontwards n backwards, in shower, against wall front n backwards too. He thinks I’m hot in every way and will never tire of me, he’s told me many times!.Neither of us are into toys at all, sex games, bdsm., and no food. We just enjoy each other immensely. He wants and does give me many orgasms before he’ll let himself let go. Makes it all about me which no other guy have ever done!
I’ve looked up positions that work for my big shape. I am asking for more ideas, please. I won your book. Thank you so much! Interesting! But need help if you can. No, we do not live together, he started working midnights recently. We’re trying o get used to it. So it’s been a little while since our last intimacy. And I’d really like to surprise him when next we can be together.
Thank you so much! I highly appreciate it! I hope you can get back to me soon. If not, of course it’s ok🙂 Just need help!!

I’m a 46-year-old heterosexual man. I met my ex-wife when I was 19. We were together for 24 years, married for 20. We were sexually active with one another throughout the first 19 years. We grew sexually together while exploring on different things we liked, both as givers and receivers.

There was something in our relationship that always disturbed me. She was sexually abused as a child. I was immature and thought I could be her knight in shining armor and save her. So, everything I did in the marriage was so she didn’t trip and stumble. With the mindset of, “If I kept her side of the street clean for her, then my life would be easier.” Boy was I wrong. That turned into a 20-year mess.

Our struggles left left me emotionally bankrupt and physically exhausted. I developed erectile dysfunction. That happened 10 years ago when I was 35.

I want to share something very intimate with you. I am now diving in deep inside myself in an effort to heal and to try and win back my manhood and sexuality.

One night 8 or 9 years ago, my ex-wife and I were “fooling around.” She grabbed my erection and stroked it. In that moment, she got REALLY turned on and aroused, and squeezed my shaft as hard as she could. To me, it felt like ALL the blood in my penis was forced to the tip and I thought I was going to look down and see blood oozing out of the pores on the head of my penis. In short, it hurt like hell. I pulled back and said, “What the hell was that for?” She replied, “Oh, suck it up,” all nonchalant. I brought it to her attention one other time (a few years later) and I got  the same response: “Stop being a baby.”

Well, I’m now 8 or 10 years past that incident and have struggled with erectile dysfunction through my late 30’s and 40’s to the point where I lost my morning erections as well.

My urologist prescribed Cialis, which worked, but I want to TRULY heal whatever the issue is. I can’t figure out if it’s mental, physical or both.

We’ve been divorced now for 3.5 years. I should mention that I’ve been sober for 5 years as well. About 8 months ago I eliminated caffeine from my diet. I also stopped the  Cialis.

I’m 5’11” and 175 lbs. I’m active. I walk, run, jog, hike, surf, ride my bike, play volleyball, tennis, ride motocross dirt bikes in the woods, and swim. Not all in one day, but lots of exercise every week.

I have been taking nitric oxide and citrulline supplements along with Vitamin B6, B12, C, Zinc, E, Red Yeast to take the place of the statin I was taking, grape seed and beet root supplements for blood flow and heart health. Low and behold, I am now waking up with morning erections consistently…and they’re good hard erections. I’m super happy to be on my way.

I have found a new companion who I absolutely adore. We are building something beautiful and taking our time doing so. In our sexual encounters I have not been able to get erections since I’ve been off Cialis, except twice, but those two were really weak and premature ejaculation occurred both times.

Long story short, I am desperate to heal. My girlfriend has been super-patient and I take the time to get her off every time now…so, that’s been a positive. And, my erections are not about me cumming and getting off.We want to be completely available for one another. We want her to please me in the same way I please her. It’s about making love. At 46, I realize that making love may not involve intercourse…but, I’d like that option back.

I’m wondering if there is some sexual trauma that I have buried deep inside me. Or, if my manhood was somehow stripped away when I was married those 20 years.

Does any of this make any sense? Do you have any advice for a 46-year-old healthy male who desires intimacy and connection over every other passion in his life?