Free Q&A Archive

I’m a 46-year-old heterosexual man. I met my ex-wife when I was 19. We were together for 24 years, married for 20. We were sexually active with one another throughout the first 19 years. We grew sexually together while exploring on different things we liked, both as givers and receivers.

There was something in our relationship that always disturbed me. She was sexually abused as a child. I was immature and thought I could be her knight in shining armor and save her. So, everything I did in the marriage was so she didn’t trip and stumble. With the mindset of, “If I kept her side of the street clean for her, then my life would be easier.” Boy was I wrong. That turned into a 20-year mess.

Our struggles left left me emotionally bankrupt and physically exhausted. I developed erectile dysfunction. That happened 10 years ago when I was 35.

I want to share something very intimate with you. I am now diving in deep inside myself in an effort to heal and to try and win back my manhood and sexuality.

One night 8 or 9 years ago, my ex-wife and I were “fooling around.” She grabbed my erection and stroked it. In that moment, she got REALLY turned on and aroused, and squeezed my shaft as hard as she could. To me, it felt like ALL the blood in my penis was forced to the tip and I thought I was going to look down and see blood oozing out of the pores on the head of my penis. In short, it hurt like hell. I pulled back and said, “What the hell was that for?” She replied, “Oh, suck it up,” all nonchalant. I brought it to her attention one other time (a few years later) and I got  the same response: “Stop being a baby.”

Well, I’m now 8 or 10 years past that incident and have struggled with erectile dysfunction through my late 30’s and 40’s to the point where I lost my morning erections as well.

My urologist prescribed Cialis, which worked, but I want to TRULY heal whatever the issue is. I can’t figure out if it’s mental, physical or both.

We’ve been divorced now for 3.5 years. I should mention that I’ve been sober for 5 years as well. About 8 months ago I eliminated caffeine from my diet. I also stopped the  Cialis.

I’m 5’11” and 175 lbs. I’m active. I walk, run, jog, hike, surf, ride my bike, play volleyball, tennis, ride motocross dirt bikes in the woods, and swim. Not all in one day, but lots of exercise every week.

I have been taking nitric oxide and citrulline supplements along with Vitamin B6, B12, C, Zinc, E, Red Yeast to take the place of the statin I was taking, grape seed and beet root supplements for blood flow and heart health. Low and behold, I am now waking up with morning erections consistently…and they’re good hard erections. I’m super happy to be on my way.

I have found a new companion who I absolutely adore. We are building something beautiful and taking our time doing so. In our sexual encounters I have not been able to get erections since I’ve been off Cialis, except twice, but those two were really weak and premature ejaculation occurred both times.

Long story short, I am desperate to heal. My girlfriend has been super-patient and I take the time to get her off every time now…so, that’s been a positive. And, my erections are not about me cumming and getting off.We want to be completely available for one another. We want her to please me in the same way I please her. It’s about making love. At 46, I realize that making love may not involve intercourse…but, I’d like that option back.

I’m wondering if there is some sexual trauma that I have buried deep inside me. Or, if my manhood was somehow stripped away when I was married those 20 years.

Does any of this make any sense? Do you have any advice for a 46-year-old healthy male who desires intimacy and connection over every other passion in his life?

Recently I asked you about sharing my wife with another man. You may recall that she was very hesitant. You suggested that I ask if she might be OK doing ANYTHING with another man. I followed your advice and she agreed to be massaged by a male friend while I watched. She agreed, and it was amazing! aA I suspected, she couldn’t resist getting into it. He massaged her all over, and with her permission, worked his way up to giving her an erotic massage. He stroked her clit, ate her pussy, and even rimmed her ass. He asked her to use a G-Spot vibe, and she ended up coming. Being the giving person she is, she returned the favor and sucked his cock, massaged his balls, and stroked him until he came in her hands. But she would not fuck or swallow. I think she will fuck next time. We have been talking about it. We have also been talking about possibly a double penetration for next time, and want to know any advice you may have about doing this properly. It seems the rhythm might be an issue. Also, I really want to fuck her ass being that she is my wife, but should I allow the other to fuck her ass too and we can both take turns fucking her tight ass or should we take it slower? Thanks again and I look forward to your advice!

Sometimes I want sex intensely, and my wife stops me without any reason. Is there a specific area to touch or specific action I might take, for example sucking on her breasts, that can arouse her FAST so that she allows me?

When I don’t use lube, I come quickly. So I like to use it. But my wife doesn’t like lube. What should I do?

Hi! I hope my question isn’t too much of a party pooper, but what do you think about rape fantasies “normalizing” rape as a sexual and not a violent act? I can see how, and so I would appreciate your thoughts on it. Thank you in advance—you rock!

I have been trying for years to open my wife up to fuck other men. A few years ago she opened up to sexting with me and another man. She enjoyed it and participated and we all three enjoyed it. Then suddenly, as if she was spooked, she said she didn’t want to do it anymore. My whole motivation was to have it evolve into her fucking the other man while I watched, or having a threesome with her. I was very disappointed but kept trying to convince her. She listened. She rarely said that she didn’t think it was for her as she had previously. I took it slow but would bring it up to her occasionally without pushing too hard. Finally, she said she had reservations because she wanted to get in better shape and build up her self-esteem. I didn’t push her but suggested I get her a personal trainer and we could see how it goes. She has been going to a personal trainer now for six months and she said how much of an improvement she has noticed in herself physically. I took the opportunity to tell her that I fully support her working out and love that she is pleased with her growing self-esteem. I told her that I wanted her to continue because although I thought she looked amazing even before going to a personal trainer, I wanted her to feel good so we could explore her being with other men. I suggested sensual massage as an ice breaker and she never said “no”. She just asked if anyone could hear me as I was having this conversation with her on my lunch break over the phone. She just asked me if her working out and looking better wasn’t enough for me. I replied that it was and seeing her feeling and looking better together with me wanting her to explore her sexuality with another man and being fully satisfied makes it the perfect combination. She never said no and I didn’t want to push it any further. I ended the conversation by telling her that I would support her and will pay for her to continue seeing a trainer and we can see where it goes. How should I interpret this? Please help!

In chapter 5 of “Sizzling Sex For Life”, you discuss whole-body massage. It seems to me that in order to do such massage, one would have to be standing upright next to their partner who is lying prone or sitting. Is that what you have in mind in this discussion?

I been following you for awhile. Thanks for all you do. I been reading about the different herbs that help with sexual arousal, erection and/or energy. I like to know what you feel is the best herbs to try for better sexual arousal, better erection (and harder)? I am getting closer to 50 than 40. I have been exercising and eating better. At this time I don’t have any physical ailment like diabetes or ms. I am still working on getting in shape and it’s going to take time, but while I am getting in shape I like to have a “boost” because I noticed recently that I am not as hard or not staying hard long enough and I have to time it right. I just got my wife back into wanting it again by telling her that we will try different stuff and try spice up our love life. She is on board but last weekend I had an issue. Seems like it been getting worse last few months. Just had blood test and everything checked out. Low vitamin D but where I live that is normal. Last weekend I was so embarrassed because I never had this problem before. I need some advice and booster. I do have some immune issues and been on antibiotic for face issues. I have times when I feel fatigued. I try taking a lot of vitamins or eating fruits and veggies. I know eventually at least I hope I will not need the booster any more. I have done a lot of studying last two weeks of different herbs. Please help and would appreciate that this is private email between us. Thank you

My my wife and I have been married for 35 years. My wife has had surgery and is no longer interested in sex. She has told me she doesn’t care if she ever has sex again. That upsets me. I now watch porn daily. I feel like I need to because I get very horny. Am I a porn addict?

My wife has never experienced orgasm. How can I help her have one? I love to touch her all over, play and taste her clitorises, message her. She doesn’t enjoy sex. Lately she just says let’s get it over with and takes off her clothes and lays there. Soemtimes I just want to leave and find someone else, but I don’t. I  kiss her, play with her breasts and her clitoris. I use oil because she is very very dry down below. Most of the time, I feel like I’m making love to a plastic doll. She doesn’t move or touch me anywhere. What can I do to hopefully get her to have an orgasm, so maybe she will enjoy sex.