I have been trying for years to open my wife up to fuck other men. A few years ago she opened up to sexting with me and another man. She enjoyed it and participated and we all three enjoyed it. Then suddenly, as if she was spooked, she said she didn’t want to do it anymore. My whole motivation was to have it evolve into her fucking the other man while I watched, or having a threesome with her. I was very disappointed but kept trying to convince her. She listened. She rarely said that she didn’t think it was for her as she had previously. I took it slow but would bring it up to her occasionally without pushing too hard. Finally, she said she had reservations because she wanted to get in better shape and build up her self-esteem. I didn’t push her but suggested I get her a personal trainer and we could see how it goes. She has been going to a personal trainer now for six months and she said how much of an improvement she has noticed in herself physically. I took the opportunity to tell her that I fully support her working out and love that she is pleased with her growing self-esteem. I told her that I wanted her to continue because although I thought she looked amazing even before going to a personal trainer, I wanted her to feel good so we could explore her being with other men. I suggested sensual massage as an ice breaker and she never said “no”. She just asked if anyone could hear me as I was having this conversation with her on my lunch break over the phone. She just asked me if her working out and looking better wasn’t enough for me. I replied that it was and seeing her feeling and looking better together with me wanting her to explore her sexuality with another man and being fully satisfied makes it the perfect combination. She never said no and I didn’t want to push it any further. I ended the conversation by telling her that I would support her and will pay for her to continue seeing a trainer and we can see where it goes. How should I interpret this? Please help!
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Your wife is giving you mixed messages, and that’s often more maddening than a hard “no.” She was OK sexting with you and anther man. Then she wasn’t. A mixed message. She said she wanted to get into better shape and boost her self-esteem before anything with another man. Now she’s in better shape with better self-esteem, but she continues to hesitate about other men. Another mixed message.Unfortunately, life often involves mixed messages. The fact that she agreed to sexting in the past says nothing about how she feels now or going forward. People are entitled to change their minds.
You might wait and see, and after a while gently suggest that perhaps it’s time for her to play with another man. But the waiting might drive you crazy.
You might insist that it’s time, that she wanted to wait until she felt better about herself. Well, now she does, so how about it? But that might irritate your wife to the point where she says: Forget it, and don’t ask again.
You might suggest trying to work this out with the help of a sex therapist. Sex therapists don’t flinch at concensual non-monogamy. But your wife might refuse to go. In that case, you might go yourself, which would be suboptimal, but you still might gain new insights, new ways to approach your request.
You know your wife better than I do. I’m sure you appreciate how much you can push her on this.
When something isn’t working, when you feel stuck, that’s a sign that consulting a professional might help. You sound stuck. So I suggest you consider seeing a sex therapist, ideally as a couple, but if necessary by yourself.
If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, sex therapists are psychotherapists with extra training in sexual issues, who can provide relationship therapy as well as science-based insights into sexual issues and problems. Sex therapists do NOT have sex with you and do NOT watch you have sex. They rely on face-to-face conversations. They impart sex information and lovemaking insights, and often assign “homework.” Sex therapy typically lasts four to 12 months, depending on the relationship issues involved. Costs vary, but expect $200-300/hour. Some providers discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my the chapter on sex therapy in my book, Sizzling Sex for Life, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
Thank you! I talked to my wife briefly and told her that I would like to have a serious conversation regarding what I want and the mixed signals she has been giving me. I as soon as I have that conversation I will let you know the outcome.
Thanks!