Hi! I hope my question isn’t too much of a party pooper, but what do you think about rape fantasies “normalizing” rape as a sexual and not a violent act? I can see how, and so I would appreciate your thoughts on it. Thank you in advance—you rock!
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You’re not a party pooper. You ask an important question. Sexual assault is, of course, a horrible violent crime. But fantasies of forced sex or rape are quite common. Studies show that more than half of women have them. Does this mean they actually want to be raped? NO! All it means is that they have active imaginations. Plenty of men fantasize about being the hero, rescuing the damsel in distress from a gang of thugs, without the slightest wish to face off against a gang of assailants in real life. Fantasies are very different from real life. In fantasy, everything is permitted and nothing is wrong. In real life, many things are prohibited and are morally and legally wrong. Fantasies are a way to play with experiences you’d never want to have in real life. Humans are imaginative creatures. Fantasies—however bizarre they may be—simply exercise our imaginations. Women’s rape fantasies in no way normalize sexual assault. Fantasies happen only in the mind, and have no relation to what people want in real life.
For more on all this, I suggest two books: Tell Me What You Want but Justin Lehmiller, and my own Sizzling Sex for Life. Lehmiller’s book is based on the largest study of sexual fantasies ever conducted. His study, like many others, shows that rape fantasies are very common among women. My book contains a chapter on sexual fantasies, and says much the same thing. Rape fantasies are common and in no way suggest that those who have them—women and men—want to be sexually assaulted.