My my wife and I have been married for 35 years. My wife has had surgery and is no longer interested in sex. She has told me she doesn’t care if she ever has sex again. That upsets me. I now watch porn daily. I feel like I need to because I get very horny. Am I a porn addict?
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No, you are not a porn addict. You’re coping with a sexless marriage, which is very emotionally difficult for people with strong sex drives. As far as I’m concerned, in your situation, watching porn is a reasonable and healthy way to cope.
What should I do? She thinks i need a sex therapist.
Sex therapists don’t take sides. They help couples negotiate sexual frequencies both partners can live with more or less comfortably. Seeing a sex therapist sounds like a good idea to me. It would be a real opportunity for you to vent your frustrations about your sexless marriage.
She thinks you have the problem, watching porn. You think she has the problem, no interest in partner sex. Sex therapist help couples stop pointing fingers and get to a place where both say WE have this issue, and let’s work out a solution. Sex therapists can usually help with that.
If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, sex therapists are psychotherapists with extra training in sexual issues, who can provide relationship therapy as well as science-based insights into sexual issues and problems. Sex therapists do NOT have sex with you and do NOT watch you have sex. They rely on face-to-face conversations. They impart sex information and lovemaking insights, and often assign “homework.” Sex therapy typically lasts four to 12 months, depending on the relationship issues involved. Costs vary, but expect $200-300/hour. Some providers discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my the chapter on sex therapy in my book, Sizzling Sex for Life, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
If your partner won’t accompany you, I urge you to go by yourself. That’s suboptimal, of course, but the therapist may still be able to offer helpful suggestions.