Around a year ago, I finally got into bed with my long-term crush. I was very nervous since I’ve been dreaming about this night for years. So nervous, that I had an erection problem. Never had one before in my life. So we didn’t end up having sex and not long after we broke up (tho the reason was notmy fuck up in bed). Since that night, I’ve been very anxious about having sex with anybody. I’m extremely worried about experiencing erectile problems again and embarrassing myself. I’d really would like to try but I’m very anxious… any advice on overcoming this fear?
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You’re right. Chronic anxiety can kill erections. As you know only too well.
First let me explain why. Erection is a hydraulic process that depends on extra blood flow into the penis. The arteries that carry blood into the penis are lined with smooth muscle tissue. When you feel stressed, your body releases the stress hormone, cortisol, that constricts the arteries in the central body, including the penis. This reduces blood flow into the penis, which is why stress can kill erections.
But deep relaxation re-opens the arteries in the penis constricted by stress. The way to restore reliable erections is to focus on deep relaxation before and during sex:
• Limit alcohol or don’t drink. Alcohol is the world’s #1 drug cause of erection impairment. One drink is probably OK, but any more and you’re at real risk of erection trouble.
• Breathe deeply. Slow, meditative breathing is very relaxing. If you don’t meditate, you might try it. Meditating once or twice a day is deeply relaxing. If you’d rather not formally meditate, then before and during lovemaking, make a point of breathing slowly and deeply, with emphasis on exhalations.
• Practice solo. While sober and breathing meditatively, enjoy self-sexing. Chances are you’ll be able to raise firms erections. If you can do that solo, you can do it with partners. Practicing solo can help restore confidence in your ability to raise and maintain erections.
• Level with lovers. Next time you’re in a situation that seems headed to lovemaking, tell your amour that in the past you’ve had stress-related erection problems, that it’s very important to your functioning to feel deeply relaxed during sex. This may not be easy to admit, but it really helps. It helps you relax. And it enlists your lover to help you relax. Most women feel FLATTERED when men make such admissions, and are happy to help.
• Before getting into bed, take a hot bath or shower. You can take turns or do it together. How water is very relaxing.
• Adopt a slow pace. Erections don’t like rushed sex. You’re much more likely to raise and maintain erections if you engage in gentle, playful, mutual, whole-body massage for at least 20 minutes before attempting intercourse.
• Go with the woman-on-top position. It’s the least physically demanding for men. It helps you relax. Keep breathing deeply. Ask her to stroke or suck you, and when you’re good and firm, ask her to slowly sit down on your erection and guide it inside her.
• Keep a light heart. Try to laugh.
• If your erection falters, try not to freak out. The more upset you get, the more cortisol floods your bloodstream and the less likely you are to get hard. Just keep breathing deeply, kissing, hugging, and massaging each other. Then try again.
• For more, you might consider purchasing my low-cost e-book, Enjoy the Best Sex of Your Life. Several of its 135 chapters deal with erection issues. Others deal with pleasing women, how to bring them to orgasm, and other issues that might be confusing and stressing you. The e-book carries a money-back guarantee through PayPal, so it’s risk-free.
• If you continue to have problems despite these suggestions, then you might benefits from consulting a sex therapist, either solo or with your partner. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
I wish you great sex.