We’re struggling with more than a difference in desire. He doesn’t get an erection and blames me. I am 70 and I just get too tired trying for hours for him to have an orgasm. I get tired of trying. What now? I got a toy to help him so I can keep from being worn out. He says if I were more playful or exciting he could get an erection. But it’s not me. I can have an orgasm just fine when I’m alone. He stopped being affectionate years ago, no hand holding or kiss hello or good bye, just sex or no interest in me. If I try to talk about affection, he accuses me of being sexless. I have tried, but I’m really too old for hours of trying. Seriously 10-20 minutes is all I need to orgasm. I’m hoping sex toys will help, but I think I’d like some affection along with the sex. Like being nice during the day. Is it me? Am I not like other women? The last time it took literally 4 hours. It became a chore. I don’t like feeling that way. I hope the toy I ordered will help.
Apparently, your husband hasn’t heard that by age 70, only around 10 percent of men can still raise firm erections without drugs. It appears he’s in the the 90 percent. If he can state specifically what kinds of caresses raise his erections, he should tell you, so you can provide them. But he’s being cruel to blame you for not being sufficiently sexy.
You say your husband doesn’t provide nonsexual affection. Apparently, he hasn’t heard that that very thing whole-body massage, is a key element of satisfying lovemaking for both women and men. If you both gently massaged every square inch of each other’s bodies before reaching for his penis, he might get firmer.
Clearly, your husband doesn’t know much about sex. He would probably learn a great deal by reading my low-cost e-book, The Best Sex of Your Life. It’s 135 chapters discuss all aspects of lovemaking, with several devoted to erection issues, and others to the importance of nonsexual affection. The e-book carries a money-back guarantee through PayPal, so it’s risk-free.
But your question drips resentment. In such cases, couples usually do best with sex therapy, with therapists who can provide individualized coaching and help you talk to each other about sex and resolve your resentments.
If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $200-400/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy (included in the e-book), and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
I wish you great sex.