I don’t think I’m very good in bed. My focus has always been my partner’s pleasure since I’m so easy to satisfy, but after starting an actual long-term relationship, I’m seriously questioning if I can satisfy him. I ask him what he wants and he says he wants to be dominated, but gently. When I asked for clarification, he says it wouldn’t work if he has to tell me what to do. It seems every time we do it now there’s something I’m doing that he doesn’t actually like and he has to tell me to stop, and when I try to do things he likes I can’t seem to do it right or with the right timing. He says not to worry about it, that it’s biological  and there’s nothing to be done, but still. It’s starting to affect how I enjoy sex as well, cause I’ve always tied my pleasure to my partner’s so if he’s not getting off it makes it all the harder for me. I’m so frustrated. Any ideas for what I should do?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    First, how much do you know about the type of sex he enjoys, bondage-discipline-sado-mascohism (BDSM)? If you haven’t read much about it by sexually well-informed writers, you may not appreciate the fine points. It’s normal, just another way to play. And psychologically, people into BDSM are typically mentally healthy and fine. They just enjoy their sex a little kinky. I suggest you read a few of my low-cost articles in the Info Library: A Loving Introduction to BDSM, An Introduction to BDSM Accessories, and What “Fifty Shades of Grey” Got Wrong About BDSM. All my articles carry a money-back guarantee, so no risk to you.

    Beyond that, your guy needs to rethink one key thing, his refusal to tell you exactly what he wants you to do and precisely how he wants you to do it. Lovers CANNOT read each others’ minds, especially a kinky mind. It’s unrealistic and unkind of him to expect you to know how he wants to play by intuition. He MUST tell you. This is the very essence of BDSM contracts. The two people plan their scenes with each knowing the others’ limits and how both people want the play to unfold. If he remains adamant in his refusal to specify, then I suggest you both read my low-cost article, Better Sex Fast Using Just One Word, “Yes.” It presents quick, easy way to give a lover erotic direction. You might also benefit from reading, New Sexual Moves: You Want to Try WHAT? You can purchase all these articles separately, or obtain them and many more as part of my low-cost 134-article e-book.

    Finally, in BDSM relationships, it’s more challenging to be the dom than the sub. Once doms agree to subs’ specified limits and the two plan their scenes so the sub enjoys them, the sub’s work is done and all he/she has to do is follow instructions and be submissive. But doms have to orchestrate things, which takes thought and planning and effort at every step. Some doms are “naturals.” They feel totally comfortable in the dominant role and can’t wait to issue orders, spank, flog, etc. But for a surprisingly large proportion of doms, erotic domination in BDSM is an acquired taste, often one that’s acquired slowly. It sounds to me like you’re in the latter group—willing to play his way but unsure of yourself. In such situations, it’s the sub’s responsibility to coach the dom in every detail that’s important to the sub’s enjoyment. The sub must also be patient as the dom learns the ropes, as it were. So here again, your guy MUST talk with you, or write you a letter, or communicate in some productive way that helps you please him—and yourself.

    I urge you to share this reply with your guy. People who are seriously into BDSM, even the gentlest forms, often reap tremendous sexual satisfaction from it. In fact, many say the pleasure of BDSM is so intense that it goes “beyond sex.” But to enjoy that special pleasure, subs and doms MUST communicate very clearly. Subs MUST tell doms precisely how they want scenes to unfold. I hope your guy can be persuaded to do this. Good luck.

Leave a Response

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.