I am 30 and my boyfriend is 42. Our intercourse has started to decline over the last few months to the point where he can’t seem to stay firm. He has a real issue staying firm if I am on top. It is starting to cause some serious issues in our relationship. He tends to do better when he is behind me but that makes me feel distance between us. He claims to be under a lot of stress at work. He never wants to have sex at night, only in the mornings and usually only on weekends. I am beyond frustrated. I have tried to talk to him and he clams up. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    I see several issues: his erections, his stress load, his conditions for sex—only mornings, preferably weekend mornings, and your increasing frustrations.

    You didn’t say how long you two have been together. It it’s less than two years, that might have something to do with it. The hot-and-heavy period rarely lasts longer than 2 years, usually less, and then sexual urgency declines. Typically, one person’s libido shrinks more than the other’s, which produces a desire difference, and often tensions. What’s been happening between you might reflect the lamentable but natural evolution of relationships. It might also explain his erection situation. In men under 50, erection problems are often the result of emotional stress. He says he’s stressed at work. That stress plus the stress of a desire difference might be enough to push him into erection difficulties. Desire differences are one of the leading reasons why couples consult sex therapists. If you’d like to learn how sex therapists resolve them, read “You’re Insatiable!” “You Never Want To!” How Sex Therapists Recommend Overcoming Desire Differences.

    It’s also possible that you’ve been together a long time and the end of the hot-and-heavy period doesn’t explain your. In that case, I’d take seriously his complaints about work stress, which is a real sex killer. If he can reduce his work stress, I hope he does. If not, he can embrace healthy stress management (regular exercise, meditation, yoga, cognitive therapy) and avoid unhealthy stress management (alcohol, other drugs, binge eating), which might help him emotionally and you sexually.

    Beyond that, consider what each of you wants. You want firm erections and more frequent sex. He wants sex in the morning (when he wants it at all.) Seems to me you both get what you want if you have sex in the morning. I suggest you make weekend morning dates for sex.

    About his erections: Does he smoke? If so, urge him to quit. Smoking is a major erection killer. Does he drink alcohol? Ditto. Does he have diabetes or high blood sugar? Also an erection killer. But if he exercises and loses weight, he may be able to reverse diabetes. He might also try an erection drug. For more, read Healthy Lifestyle Preserves Sexual Function in Men Over 40 and .

    Finally, about his preference for doggie and yours for being on top, how about taking turns? One for a while, then the other.

    If these suggestions don’t help, then I’d suggest sex therapy. To learn more about it, read An Intimate Guide to Sex Therapy. To find a therapist near you, visit The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, or the American Board of Sexology. And good luck!

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