My husband and I have been married 17 years. We used to have sex all the time. Then he decided he wanted it only about once a week. The past year, it’s been like twice a month. I need it more often. When I ask him about this, he tells me it’s not me, that he’s just not into sex much anymore. How could that be? How could it NOT be me? Is there anything I can do to arouse his libido?
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You guys have a desire discrepancy. Desire differences are virtually inevitable in long-term relationships. When couples first fall in love, they can’t keep their hands off each other. But almost always, after six months to two years or so, one or both feel less sexual urgency and the frequency of lovemaking declines. If both people experience identical declines in desire, then there’s no problem. But usually, desire differences develop, and the issue often becomes a sore point in relationships. In fact, desire differences are one of the leading reasons couples consult sex therapists.
First, I suggest that you read the article, “You Never Want To.” “You’re Insatiable.” How Sex Therapists Recommend Resolving Desire Differences. It discusses a step-by-step program that usually helps. While you’re unlikely to get exactly the frequency you want, you’re reasonably likely to get one you can live with.
If the article doesn’t provide sufficient resolution, then I suggest consulting a sex therapist. To find one near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists or the Society for Sex Therapy and Research.