My wife (42) says she has no sexual desire, but does not entertain the thought of anything to get me off—not anything—so I’m left without also. Is their anything I can do? Besides spending a lot of time in the shower….
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Sexual desire in women—and loss of it—can be complicated. First, I suggest that you read some of the articles in the Info Library on sexual desire. They might provide some insight. I also suggest that you ask your wife to read them. They might stimulate discussions that clarify what’s going on and help the two of you return to a mutually enjoyable sex life. The articles I’d suggest include: , and Desire in Women: Does It Lead to Sex? Or Result from It? I also suggest you read the article on Desire Differences because a loss of libido leads to a severe desire difference.
It’s possible that some of her desire loss might result from a lovemaking style that she finds less than wonderful, but perhaps she can’t bring herself to say so. In that case, I’d suggest a few more articles. Again, I hope both of you read them, and discuss them with you listening very carefully to what she has to say: Caressing Women: Advanced Erotic Tips for Men; Whole-Body Massage: The Language of Great Sex; When He Massages Her, Both Enjoy Erotic Enhancement; Great Sex Without Intercourse; Forget “Foreplay,” Cultivate “Loveplay;” and Men Should Heed Women’s Erotic Wisdom.
I hope the articles help, but in many cases, when one partner complains of lost libido, self-help resources are not sufficient. If that’s the case for you, then I’d urge you to consider sex therapy, ideally as a couple, but if your wife refuses to go, then you solo. For background on how sex therapy works, read An Intimate Guide to Sex Therapy. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselor, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
Bottom line – find a male therapist. Female therapists will do all the touchy feely stuff and almost validate her lack of caring and selfishness that got you to this point. Women who feel like they lack self esteem or power in a relationship will use sex as the equalizer. They want to control when, where, how, why, etc. It is the most selfish act a wife could exercise and then sets up the sex reward syndrome.
I am in this now and it sucks.
I meet my wife’s primary needs and she could care less about mine. Who is cheating whom here? I want to divorce when the children are grown.