I am 60 years old and I have no sex drive. I do not want to be touched or fondled. It’s ok for my husband to wrap his arm around me as long as he doesn’t grab my breast. We still hold hands, but he insists on brushing against my breasts in public and saying, “Oh, I like that,” and that is offensive to me. He also pulls up my skirt or dress when I sit down claiming he likes my legs. They aren’t bad for a 60 year old, but I’m not 25 or 30 anymore. I feel at my age a little more dignity needs to be practiced, especially in public. I also feel my morals should be respected to a degree. Could he be having problems accepting the fact that he is aging? How do I deal with all of this?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    I see two issues—your lack of libido and his behavior in public which you call inappropriate. You did not mention how your husband feels about your lack of sexual interest, or if he acted that way in public before you lost your libido, so I don’t have as much information as I’d like. But here are a few ideas.

    If you feel upset about your libido loss and would like to rediscover sexual interest, I suggest you read Wanting Sex Again by sex therapist Laurie Watson (2012). It’s filled with ideas that provide food for erotic rediscovery and exercises that can help get you back in the swing of lovemaking—if you want to.

    On the other hand, if you’re indifferent to sex, there’s no need to focus on getting back to wanting it. But if that’s how you feel, you may face marital challenges because it sounds like your husband still has a great deal of interest in being affectionate and sexual with you, and that may contribute to what you feel is his inappropriately sexual behavior in public.

    Independent of your libido or lack of sexual interest, if you feel offended by his breast-brushing and skirt-lifting, by all means tell him to stop.

    Is he having trouble accepting that he’s aging? I wouldn’t know. But from what you’ve posted, I’m guessing that he’s having trouble with your withdrawal from sex. With age, some people “retire” from lovemaking, but many older folks continue to desire sex, enjoy it, and want to play that way with their spouses. Sex offers the potential of lifelong pleasure, and while you’re free to feel as you do, it’s perfectly normal for him to keep wanting it.

    But in that case, you two have a major desire difference, and that can introduce considerable tension into a marriage. Sounds to me like you’d both benefit from clearing the air and renegotiating your relationship in bed and your mutual affection/sexual moves out in the world. I’d suggest a brief course of sex therapy, which has a good chance of resolving your issues. To learn more about how sex therapy works read An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy or see the recent Meryl Streep-Tommy Lee Jones movie, Hope Springs. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology. Good luck!

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