My husband is 36 & I’m 30. He doesn’t want to have sex. I try to turn him on but … nothing 🙁 I feel not wanted. He won’t kiss or touch me either. Or please me. When we have sex, he’ll only do it missionary’s style. Takes him less them 5 minutes to finish … then he just leaves me there like I’m nothing. I’m ashamed of myself. I wish he’d caress my lady parts. I want kisses and once in a while a little oral. But he won’t do that!! Most of the time I feel unattractive. I want sex every day but we do it maybe once or twice a month—and I don’t come. It’s sad. My friends talk bout their amazing sex lives, and in my head I’m thinking, I wish I could say the same bout mine. So when they ask me, I’m like, “Mine’s good too.” But it’s terrible. I talk to my husband about it but its like I’m talking to the Wall. So now I just stay quiet, hoping he’ll someday please me how I deserve to be pleased. I’ve been reading some sexual magazines but he’d rather just get oral sex from me than have sex with me. I’m doing my part, but he’s not him. I love my husband with all my heart. I’ve never thought of cheating. That’s something I’ll never do. Help!
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There are two reasons why you don’t have orgasms. Your husband is clueless about how to provide them. And you resent him for his ignorance and lack of sensitivity. Stir them together and I doubt if anyone could come.
I feel for you, I really do. Your erotic requests are perfectly reasonable: kissing, touching, cuddling, oral, and a little variety beyond the missionary position. But he’s unwilling to provide them. When you have sex, he comes quickly but doesn’t reciprocate for you. You give him oral, but he won’t provide the same for you. Most women need gentle, loving, direct clitoral caresses by hand, mouth, or toy to climax. You’re not getting any of that. No wonder you don’t have orgasms with him.
What to do? Talking with him hasn’t worked. It might help if hears from someone other than you … possibly me. My book contains 115 article about all aspects of sex, including all the issues you’ve mentioned. It encourages kissing, cuddling, playful erotic experimentation, and direct clitoral stimulation. There’s a possibility that my words might get through to him where yours haven’t. No guarantees, of course, but maybe. If you want to try encouraging him to read my book, it’s available at low cost.
Beyond that, all I can suggest is sex therapy. Sex therapists have an excellent track record of helping couples overcome problems like yours. In sex therapy, you don’t have sex with or in front of the therapist. It’s talk therapy with couple homework. For more on how sex therapy works, there’s an article in my book. Or you might see the movie Hope Springs with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. Streep’s character is in pretty much the same position you are—Jones’ character won’t provide the lovemaking she craves. They see a sex therapist and slowly things improve. Watching the movie together might provide an opening to get your husband into sex therapy with you. And if he refuses, I’d urge you to go by yourself. Of course, solo sex therapy is suboptimal, but the therapist can still probably help you cope better with your situation and may have suggestions that improve things in bed. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
Good luck!